My journey with depression

The last few months, depression has got a lot of publicity. Here in Australia, depression among men is something you hear about. There is an organization called beyond blue that helps men with depression. Recently a politician came out and told his story with depression. Then I met with a former pastor who suffers from depression. These things caused me to think about about my experience with depression, so I thought I would write about it...

I have never been prone to being depressed.....in fact, I was always the sort of person who was pretty happy go lucky and if anything, I would get angry, not depressed. Throughout my years at work in the IT industry, there were stressful times but I would never use the word depressed to describe how I felt.

In 2005 I went into full time ministry and took on the role of pastor in the church where I grew up in. I went into minstry with hope and a sense of adventure. It was as if this is what I have been preparing for my whole life. The church was going through a bad patch and we were in a sort of crisi mode. Still, I had faith and a lot of energy. I had a vision to bring change and to see a church that was full of grace and love.

Maybe I was foolish. But I felt that God had called me to this. About a year into the role, it became apparent that a lot of people, especially the leaders, were not comfortable with the changes that were happening. I also had a shift in my perspective and theology. A lot of things that we were doing did not make sense to me and I was challenging a lot of the mindsets of people. The leaders who had asked me to come and lead had initially said that they wanted change too, but it became apparent that at the heart of things, they were not ready for it (some of my previous postings refer to these things).

A lot of my energy was wasted on silly debates like whether I should wear short sleeves to church, I was too informal over the "pulpit"...etc As a side note, is the fucking "pulpit" even biblical? This just resulted in me having bouts of feeling "down". It started with me feeling down most sunday evenings. Initially I played this down to mere tiredness. And maybe there as some of that. Usually by mid day Monday, I would start feeling better.

BUt as time wore on, the feeling would stay longer. Even extend till Tuesday evening. Then it got worse. I begun to have thoughts of death...of killing myself. That was the only way out of where I was. The depression also started to happen on Friday's as opposed to sundays. It was then a whole week thing.

At this stage, a good friend recommended me to see a counselor. This guy specialised in treating pastors and full time ministers who are burnt out. I had a hard time accpeting I was burnt out cause I had only been in full time role for a year. But the counselor heped me see that my burn out had begun earlier when I was serving in a voluntary capacity. In a follow up session with my wife, he basically said that we had gone through a traumatic exprience and his recommendation was that we not be in ministry at all.

It was a shock and a relief at the same time. But when I went to the elders with this news, they just did not believe it and asked for a written analysis. I saw that the church could not cope with this and out of a sense of duty, I persevered and went on serving in the church. The insight and help of my counselor helped me cope with depression for while. I also had a few friends around who helped me.

But after a few months, the depression was back again, this time worse. Instead of just being down, I would react with anger.....I was angry at the staff, at the people in church and at my family. Another friend highly recommended that I take time off work. I said ok and that I would look at taking a break in a few months as we had things coming up in church...but 3 different people all said that I would not last that long...so I took a month off work when the church was about to have a camp. I just could not bring myself to be at a camp where people had expectations on me. Again the leaders did not understand and did not take it well. But this time, I just did it anyway.

God did a work in my life in that month off. I learned to be a child again. Learned to accept God's love and favor as a gift. Learned to enjoy life again. I came back with a renewed hope and vision. I started to teach on the things I had learned....on who God is, on authenticity and vulnerability. A lot of people responded well....but there were also others who did not. Bottom line, the core leaders wanted a different sort of church. Our perspectives and theology were so different. They did not see it. They kept insisting that we wanted the same things.......but we did not. A few months later, I had anther major disagreement with the leaders over how we treated our staff. I did not react angrily as I had in the past. I appealed to them calmly. But after that I realised that I just did not have the energy to go on. After all I had been through and what God had done in me, I still could not hack it. I resigned from ministry. I was heartbroken to do it, but I felt I had to.

Today, more than a year after I resigned, I do not really struggle with depression anymore. Perhaps a lot of it was down to the work related in the church. Maybe God had also healed me to a certain extent. But I have been scarred by my time in ministry. I now work in the IT line again. Have moved countries to get away from the church........but my sense of confidence and faith has taken a great battering. My self esteem is very low. And I still have a lot of unresolved anger.......especially at the church system....and the people who propagate the system. I find myself at times having such a sense of hopelessness. Someone commented that I still have the energy to work full time.....yes, and for that I am grateful. But a lot of it is driven by the need to care for my family. In so many ways I was not ready to be back in full time employment. But I took it as a means of escaping the church situation back home. Will I ever recover? Will I ever have a sense of faith and hope and joy again? Will I ever return to church????? I dont know for sure.....but for now, it does not feel as if it will happen. I am just another pastor who has been beaten by the church system

Its been a while....

Wow, I just logged on after months and just realised that its been a while since I blogged. Partly its due to the fact that I just have not had the inspiration to blog.....the prevailing sense I have is of numbness....I just dont feel anything. No joy, no excitement........pretty flat actually. In these times, its really hard for me to write anything.

I have been bothered by my numbness, but am beginning to accept it. A good friend helped me see that maybe the numbness is God's way of protecting me from the emotional pain I have experienced. Thats a good thing I guess. But I do hope to have a sense of faith, excitement and adventure again.....someday......

Feels like home.....

Yesterday we decided to visit the Vineyard church in Yarra Valley. Its about a 40 minute/40km drive from our home, so its a pretty long drive on a sunday to get to church there. But we decided to go since its a long weekend here. Take the chance to visit since I still have Monday to finsih off the chores/rest...etc.

When we got there, I immediaetly liked the place cause they had tables and chairs out in the front and around the auditorium. The ones towards the back were for parents and kids. Nice relaxing set up. Worship started and people began finding their place. I have missed worship if I am honest. The music was not great, but the heart was. Towards the end of the worship time I saw a picture of myself in my mind. I was all bandaged up with a lot of injuries and was on crutches. Have not had this kind of experience in a long long time. Did not think too much of it. Just saw it as a reminder of my state currently.

In typical Vineyard fashion we then broke for coffee. Had a chance to chat with one of the pastors there for a bit. Was ok. One thing struck us was that we were the only asians there that day. There was one asian lady who was married to an Aussie but apart from that, no other asians. I think this is due to the fact that there is not a huge asian community in that area and also possibly the church is too "laid back" for asians. Its a pretty much "come as you are" place, as the pastor described it later. In fact, as we were entering the church that morning, there were a few rough looking guys outside having a smoke before service. .....I think Jesus would have felt at home there. This was such a difference from a church we visited the week before.....it was full of Malaysians and Singaporeans and the pastors and elders were in suits and ties. In fact even during the baptism, the assistant pastor was in his shirt and tie...in the baptism pool! They had "40 days of purpose" all over the place and one of the Malaysian chinese elders spoke that day and he went round and round on the same point......was too much like back in Malaysia!

Ok, back to the Vineyard service. When the pastor began to speak, he said that he was continuing his series on the church....and especially targetting the "spirit (i.e. attitude towards and view of) of religion".....then it begun to make sense. I think God, in his love and mercy, was reminding me of how wounded I have been by religion, or religiosity. The picture I saw during worship and the message came together. Maybe this is one of the little steps towards recovery for us.

At lunch as we were chatting about the experience, we said maybe this is a place we can come to once in a while. The church is too far to come regularly and to get too involved in....and thats a good thing. Enough space for us to come once in a while and be annonymous for a while. The fact that we could visit a couple of wineries after service was a bonus!

6 months

Today marks six months since I have been in Melbourne. In so may ways it seems as if time has just flown by. I dont feel like its been 6 months. Work wise, I feel as if I have been doing this for a long time. Have got into the work rythm ok. Family is settling in ok. Kids are doing well in school. I am thankful for all that.

But in some other ways, I feel as if we have yet to settle down. I think its only the past 2 weekends that I have felt that we are settling down as a family. We are getting into a routine of life that seems to be ok. I know the kids are really enjoying having more time with mum and dad. I need to remember that this is part of the reason for our move: to have more time nurturing our family. But I guess mum and dad are struggling a bit with our own needs. Hopefully that will come in time.

The last 6 months have also taught me more about myself. About who I am and some of my traits. I am also coming to terms with how much I have been damaged by our time in ministry. The anger, hurt and bitterness is still very much there. I wish I could let it all go.

Overall, this feels like the right place to be in now, though not all the pieces are in place. I guess its a continuous journey of learning to live one day at a time.

No longer a Christian

I went to church today because my daughter really wanted to go. I wanted to go to the a different church, but she insisted on this particular church, so I went.

As I was sitting there, listening to the songs, the announcements and sermon, I felt totally outside. I began to think of church back home and what they are doing.....and I felt so outside of things. There is just so much of christianity and the practice of church that I am uncomfortable with. In fact, I have not been comfortable for a long time. I find it irrelevant and unhelpful. But while I was still part of the church back home, I felt like I was an insider working for change. I was part of the process. Now I just feel distant and disconnected. This realization frightened me if I am honest. But I must face the facts that this is how I feel.

I also know that this is the body of Christ. That I cannot claim to be a christian and yet feel so disconnected to His body. But there is so much "stuff" (cant think of a better word) attached to being a Christian that I dont think I can honestly say that I am a Christian. So much expectation or belief systems we are supposed to hold on to. So many practices of a christian that I have trouble with, that if I am to have any integrity left in me, I dont think I can consider myself a christian anymore. Therefore, I hav decided that from today, I will stop refering to myself as a christian. All I can do is to pray, Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.........I am no longer a Christian.

How we say something is the message!

So, I heard about the speaker in CLGC a couple of sundays ago. How because of a double booking, the elders went into a semi panic and just invited this idiot to speak. He was a super pentecostal and went into hyper drive and started verbally blasting the people. Asking stupid questions like "Why are you amens so soft?". Wished I was there to answer" Because we dont agree with you you dumb f*^%wit!"

Anyway we all make mistakes and these things happen. But the biggest joke was the "damage control" stuff that followed from the leaders. First, when people walk out on a sermon like that, thats a good thing! You have mature people who know how to discern fuckwits and their stupid messages. To then call people to ask them what they think only to then tell them that they should not have walked out is dumb! Then to say things like "There were things he was saying that is in line with what God is saying" compounds the stupidity. How can that be? For example, if someone says that God loves you, but he says it in a loud and condemming tone, does it really communicate God's love? We need to relise that our live is the message. I can say something technically correct, but to say it in a spiteful or judgemental way is so totally wrong.

There. Rant over......for now.

Friendship and Fatherhood

I am blessed to be working with 2 other Christians in my office. Its actually amazing that in an office of just 12 people, there are 3 christians. I have known these 2 men for a few years already, so, when I joined the company, one of them suggested that we meet once a week to pray together. We meet every Tuesday morning at 7.30am in the office and one of us will share a short devotional and we spend some time praying together.

This past week one of them shared about being a dad and the fact that this is the most important role for us at this stage of our lives. It was amazing timing as I just stared reading a book about fatherhood on sunday. It was an affirmation of what God is saying to me for this season.

I realize that even as I go through the motions of being a dad, my heart may not be all there. I realize that God does not just want me to learn how to do all the dad things, but more importantly to have the heart of a father. Its back to the whole being before doing . Lord, help me.