Yesterday we decided to visit the Vineyard church in Yarra Valley. Its about a 40 minute/40km drive from our home, so its a pretty long drive on a sunday to get to church there. But we decided to go since its a long weekend here. Take the chance to visit since I still have Monday to finsih off the chores/rest...etc.
When we got there, I immediaetly liked the place cause they had tables and chairs out in the front and around the auditorium. The ones towards the back were for parents and kids. Nice relaxing set up. Worship started and people began finding their place. I have missed worship if I am honest. The music was not great, but the heart was. Towards the end of the worship time I saw a picture of myself in my mind. I was all bandaged up with a lot of injuries and was on crutches. Have not had this kind of experience in a long long time. Did not think too much of it. Just saw it as a reminder of my state currently.
In typical Vineyard fashion we then broke for coffee. Had a chance to chat with one of the pastors there for a bit. Was ok. One thing struck us was that we were the only asians there that day. There was one asian lady who was married to an Aussie but apart from that, no other asians. I think this is due to the fact that there is not a huge asian community in that area and also possibly the church is too "laid back" for asians. Its a pretty much "come as you are" place, as the pastor described it later. In fact, as we were entering the church that morning, there were a few rough looking guys outside having a smoke before service. .....I think Jesus would have felt at home there. This was such a difference from a church we visited the week before.....it was full of Malaysians and Singaporeans and the pastors and elders were in suits and ties. In fact even during the baptism, the assistant pastor was in his shirt and tie...in the baptism pool! They had "40 days of purpose" all over the place and one of the Malaysian chinese elders spoke that day and he went round and round on the same point......was too much like back in Malaysia!
Ok, back to the Vineyard service. When the pastor began to speak, he said that he was continuing his series on the church....and especially targetting the "spirit (i.e. attitude towards and view of) of religion".....then it begun to make sense. I think God, in his love and mercy, was reminding me of how wounded I have been by religion, or religiosity. The picture I saw during worship and the message came together. Maybe this is one of the little steps towards recovery for us.
At lunch as we were chatting about the experience, we said maybe this is a place we can come to once in a while. The church is too far to come regularly and to get too involved in....and thats a good thing. Enough space for us to come once in a while and be annonymous for a while. The fact that we could visit a couple of wineries after service was a bonus!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
6 months
Today marks six months since I have been in Melbourne. In so may ways it seems as if time has just flown by. I dont feel like its been 6 months. Work wise, I feel as if I have been doing this for a long time. Have got into the work rythm ok. Family is settling in ok. Kids are doing well in school. I am thankful for all that.
But in some other ways, I feel as if we have yet to settle down. I think its only the past 2 weekends that I have felt that we are settling down as a family. We are getting into a routine of life that seems to be ok. I know the kids are really enjoying having more time with mum and dad. I need to remember that this is part of the reason for our move: to have more time nurturing our family. But I guess mum and dad are struggling a bit with our own needs. Hopefully that will come in time.
The last 6 months have also taught me more about myself. About who I am and some of my traits. I am also coming to terms with how much I have been damaged by our time in ministry. The anger, hurt and bitterness is still very much there. I wish I could let it all go.
Overall, this feels like the right place to be in now, though not all the pieces are in place. I guess its a continuous journey of learning to live one day at a time.
But in some other ways, I feel as if we have yet to settle down. I think its only the past 2 weekends that I have felt that we are settling down as a family. We are getting into a routine of life that seems to be ok. I know the kids are really enjoying having more time with mum and dad. I need to remember that this is part of the reason for our move: to have more time nurturing our family. But I guess mum and dad are struggling a bit with our own needs. Hopefully that will come in time.
The last 6 months have also taught me more about myself. About who I am and some of my traits. I am also coming to terms with how much I have been damaged by our time in ministry. The anger, hurt and bitterness is still very much there. I wish I could let it all go.
Overall, this feels like the right place to be in now, though not all the pieces are in place. I guess its a continuous journey of learning to live one day at a time.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
No longer a Christian
I went to church today because my daughter really wanted to go. I wanted to go to the a different church, but she insisted on this particular church, so I went.
As I was sitting there, listening to the songs, the announcements and sermon, I felt totally outside. I began to think of church back home and what they are doing.....and I felt so outside of things. There is just so much of christianity and the practice of church that I am uncomfortable with. In fact, I have not been comfortable for a long time. I find it irrelevant and unhelpful. But while I was still part of the church back home, I felt like I was an insider working for change. I was part of the process. Now I just feel distant and disconnected. This realization frightened me if I am honest. But I must face the facts that this is how I feel.
I also know that this is the body of Christ. That I cannot claim to be a christian and yet feel so disconnected to His body. But there is so much "stuff" (cant think of a better word) attached to being a Christian that I dont think I can honestly say that I am a Christian. So much expectation or belief systems we are supposed to hold on to. So many practices of a christian that I have trouble with, that if I am to have any integrity left in me, I dont think I can consider myself a christian anymore. Therefore, I hav decided that from today, I will stop refering to myself as a christian. All I can do is to pray, Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.........I am no longer a Christian.
As I was sitting there, listening to the songs, the announcements and sermon, I felt totally outside. I began to think of church back home and what they are doing.....and I felt so outside of things. There is just so much of christianity and the practice of church that I am uncomfortable with. In fact, I have not been comfortable for a long time. I find it irrelevant and unhelpful. But while I was still part of the church back home, I felt like I was an insider working for change. I was part of the process. Now I just feel distant and disconnected. This realization frightened me if I am honest. But I must face the facts that this is how I feel.
I also know that this is the body of Christ. That I cannot claim to be a christian and yet feel so disconnected to His body. But there is so much "stuff" (cant think of a better word) attached to being a Christian that I dont think I can honestly say that I am a Christian. So much expectation or belief systems we are supposed to hold on to. So many practices of a christian that I have trouble with, that if I am to have any integrity left in me, I dont think I can consider myself a christian anymore. Therefore, I hav decided that from today, I will stop refering to myself as a christian. All I can do is to pray, Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.........I am no longer a Christian.
How we say something is the message!
So, I heard about the speaker in CLGC a couple of sundays ago. How because of a double booking, the elders went into a semi panic and just invited this idiot to speak. He was a super pentecostal and went into hyper drive and started verbally blasting the people. Asking stupid questions like "Why are you amens so soft?". Wished I was there to answer" Because we dont agree with you you dumb f*^%wit!"
Anyway we all make mistakes and these things happen. But the biggest joke was the "damage control" stuff that followed from the leaders. First, when people walk out on a sermon like that, thats a good thing! You have mature people who know how to discern fuckwits and their stupid messages. To then call people to ask them what they think only to then tell them that they should not have walked out is dumb! Then to say things like "There were things he was saying that is in line with what God is saying" compounds the stupidity. How can that be? For example, if someone says that God loves you, but he says it in a loud and condemming tone, does it really communicate God's love? We need to relise that our live is the message. I can say something technically correct, but to say it in a spiteful or judgemental way is so totally wrong.
There. Rant over......for now.
Anyway we all make mistakes and these things happen. But the biggest joke was the "damage control" stuff that followed from the leaders. First, when people walk out on a sermon like that, thats a good thing! You have mature people who know how to discern fuckwits and their stupid messages. To then call people to ask them what they think only to then tell them that they should not have walked out is dumb! Then to say things like "There were things he was saying that is in line with what God is saying" compounds the stupidity. How can that be? For example, if someone says that God loves you, but he says it in a loud and condemming tone, does it really communicate God's love? We need to relise that our live is the message. I can say something technically correct, but to say it in a spiteful or judgemental way is so totally wrong.
There. Rant over......for now.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Friendship and Fatherhood
I am blessed to be working with 2 other Christians in my office. Its actually amazing that in an office of just 12 people, there are 3 christians. I have known these 2 men for a few years already, so, when I joined the company, one of them suggested that we meet once a week to pray together. We meet every Tuesday morning at 7.30am in the office and one of us will share a short devotional and we spend some time praying together.
This past week one of them shared about being a dad and the fact that this is the most important role for us at this stage of our lives. It was amazing timing as I just stared reading a book about fatherhood on sunday. It was an affirmation of what God is saying to me for this season.
I realize that even as I go through the motions of being a dad, my heart may not be all there. I realize that God does not just want me to learn how to do all the dad things, but more importantly to have the heart of a father. Its back to the whole being before doing . Lord, help me.
This past week one of them shared about being a dad and the fact that this is the most important role for us at this stage of our lives. It was amazing timing as I just stared reading a book about fatherhood on sunday. It was an affirmation of what God is saying to me for this season.
I realize that even as I go through the motions of being a dad, my heart may not be all there. I realize that God does not just want me to learn how to do all the dad things, but more importantly to have the heart of a father. Its back to the whole being before doing . Lord, help me.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
2 months
I have been in Melbourne for 2 months now. Things feel a bit more complete now that my family is here with me. I am really thankful for how things seem to be coming together. Kids are settling in well and we are enjoying ourselves as a family. The house we have is a great help as the kids have space to play around and the space is conducive for our family. We have also had extended family over for dinner twice and its been really nice. Looking forward to hosting more guests.
Work has been ramping up. I am getting busier but enjoying it so far. It i a challenging time with the global ecomonic uncertainty, but apart from that I am enjoying myself. I have been asked to do a few different things but am now focused on developing a new araea of business for the Melbourne offcie and I enjoy the challenge. I must say I also enjoy drivng my car........which is good since I drive more than 1 1/2 hours a day to/fro work.
My life as a pastor seems like such a foreign thing now. When I think about it, there are aspects of what I did in pastoring that I enjoyed. But at this stage, overall I seem to be happier doing what I do now. That may change with time, who knows. I dont seem to remember being as happy when I was pastoring. When I think back to my life as a pastor, the main emotion I recall is depression and pressure. What was I thinking when I took that up?
I do miss my friends and family back home. This week I sudenly felt a bit homesick for the first time since I left. Not for anything in particular, but just a longing for the familiar. But overall I am very happy here. I do acknowledge the grace of God in this. I wonder what God has in store for us in the future here in Australia. But for now, I am just trying to live and enjoy one day at a time.
Work has been ramping up. I am getting busier but enjoying it so far. It i a challenging time with the global ecomonic uncertainty, but apart from that I am enjoying myself. I have been asked to do a few different things but am now focused on developing a new araea of business for the Melbourne offcie and I enjoy the challenge. I must say I also enjoy drivng my car........which is good since I drive more than 1 1/2 hours a day to/fro work.
My life as a pastor seems like such a foreign thing now. When I think about it, there are aspects of what I did in pastoring that I enjoyed. But at this stage, overall I seem to be happier doing what I do now. That may change with time, who knows. I dont seem to remember being as happy when I was pastoring. When I think back to my life as a pastor, the main emotion I recall is depression and pressure. What was I thinking when I took that up?
I do miss my friends and family back home. This week I sudenly felt a bit homesick for the first time since I left. Not for anything in particular, but just a longing for the familiar. But overall I am very happy here. I do acknowledge the grace of God in this. I wonder what God has in store for us in the future here in Australia. But for now, I am just trying to live and enjoy one day at a time.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Being a Dad
My family arrived here in Melboure a week ago. It was a really happy reunion at the airport. When my kids saw me, they started running towards me and I found myself running to them. The next 2 days my son just followed me wherever I went.
I am glad I had Friday off so that I coud spend the day with them. But at the end of the day, it was also pretty good to see them off to bed. Being a parent can be very tiring.....not just physically but emotionally.
But I am reminded again of God's word to me when we stepped dopwn from leadership : That He wants to teach me how to be a dad. I do acknowledge that I have lots to learn about being a father. So many times I lack the widom and patience to father my kids in the right way. Lord help me.
May the Father show me how to be the kind of Father he wants me to be. My prayer is that in being Dad to my kids, I can lead them to The Father.
I am glad I had Friday off so that I coud spend the day with them. But at the end of the day, it was also pretty good to see them off to bed. Being a parent can be very tiring.....not just physically but emotionally.
But I am reminded again of God's word to me when we stepped dopwn from leadership : That He wants to teach me how to be a dad. I do acknowledge that I have lots to learn about being a father. So many times I lack the widom and patience to father my kids in the right way. Lord help me.
May the Father show me how to be the kind of Father he wants me to be. My prayer is that in being Dad to my kids, I can lead them to The Father.
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