My journey with depression

The last few months, depression has got a lot of publicity. Here in Australia, depression among men is something you hear about. There is an organization called beyond blue that helps men with depression. Recently a politician came out and told his story with depression. Then I met with a former pastor who suffers from depression. These things caused me to think about about my experience with depression, so I thought I would write about it...

I have never been prone to being depressed.....in fact, I was always the sort of person who was pretty happy go lucky and if anything, I would get angry, not depressed. Throughout my years at work in the IT industry, there were stressful times but I would never use the word depressed to describe how I felt.

In 2005 I went into full time ministry and took on the role of pastor in the church where I grew up in. I went into minstry with hope and a sense of adventure. It was as if this is what I have been preparing for my whole life. The church was going through a bad patch and we were in a sort of crisi mode. Still, I had faith and a lot of energy. I had a vision to bring change and to see a church that was full of grace and love.

Maybe I was foolish. But I felt that God had called me to this. About a year into the role, it became apparent that a lot of people, especially the leaders, were not comfortable with the changes that were happening. I also had a shift in my perspective and theology. A lot of things that we were doing did not make sense to me and I was challenging a lot of the mindsets of people. The leaders who had asked me to come and lead had initially said that they wanted change too, but it became apparent that at the heart of things, they were not ready for it (some of my previous postings refer to these things).

A lot of my energy was wasted on silly debates like whether I should wear short sleeves to church, I was too informal over the "pulpit"...etc As a side note, is the fucking "pulpit" even biblical? This just resulted in me having bouts of feeling "down". It started with me feeling down most sunday evenings. Initially I played this down to mere tiredness. And maybe there as some of that. Usually by mid day Monday, I would start feeling better.

BUt as time wore on, the feeling would stay longer. Even extend till Tuesday evening. Then it got worse. I begun to have thoughts of death...of killing myself. That was the only way out of where I was. The depression also started to happen on Friday's as opposed to sundays. It was then a whole week thing.

At this stage, a good friend recommended me to see a counselor. This guy specialised in treating pastors and full time ministers who are burnt out. I had a hard time accpeting I was burnt out cause I had only been in full time role for a year. But the counselor heped me see that my burn out had begun earlier when I was serving in a voluntary capacity. In a follow up session with my wife, he basically said that we had gone through a traumatic exprience and his recommendation was that we not be in ministry at all.

It was a shock and a relief at the same time. But when I went to the elders with this news, they just did not believe it and asked for a written analysis. I saw that the church could not cope with this and out of a sense of duty, I persevered and went on serving in the church. The insight and help of my counselor helped me cope with depression for while. I also had a few friends around who helped me.

But after a few months, the depression was back again, this time worse. Instead of just being down, I would react with anger.....I was angry at the staff, at the people in church and at my family. Another friend highly recommended that I take time off work. I said ok and that I would look at taking a break in a few months as we had things coming up in church...but 3 different people all said that I would not last that long...so I took a month off work when the church was about to have a camp. I just could not bring myself to be at a camp where people had expectations on me. Again the leaders did not understand and did not take it well. But this time, I just did it anyway.

God did a work in my life in that month off. I learned to be a child again. Learned to accept God's love and favor as a gift. Learned to enjoy life again. I came back with a renewed hope and vision. I started to teach on the things I had learned....on who God is, on authenticity and vulnerability. A lot of people responded well....but there were also others who did not. Bottom line, the core leaders wanted a different sort of church. Our perspectives and theology were so different. They did not see it. They kept insisting that we wanted the same things.......but we did not. A few months later, I had anther major disagreement with the leaders over how we treated our staff. I did not react angrily as I had in the past. I appealed to them calmly. But after that I realised that I just did not have the energy to go on. After all I had been through and what God had done in me, I still could not hack it. I resigned from ministry. I was heartbroken to do it, but I felt I had to.

Today, more than a year after I resigned, I do not really struggle with depression anymore. Perhaps a lot of it was down to the work related in the church. Maybe God had also healed me to a certain extent. But I have been scarred by my time in ministry. I now work in the IT line again. Have moved countries to get away from the church........but my sense of confidence and faith has taken a great battering. My self esteem is very low. And I still have a lot of unresolved anger.......especially at the church system....and the people who propagate the system. I find myself at times having such a sense of hopelessness. Someone commented that I still have the energy to work full time.....yes, and for that I am grateful. But a lot of it is driven by the need to care for my family. In so many ways I was not ready to be back in full time employment. But I took it as a means of escaping the church situation back home. Will I ever recover? Will I ever have a sense of faith and hope and joy again? Will I ever return to church????? I dont know for sure.....but for now, it does not feel as if it will happen. I am just another pastor who has been beaten by the church system

Its been a while....

Wow, I just logged on after months and just realised that its been a while since I blogged. Partly its due to the fact that I just have not had the inspiration to blog.....the prevailing sense I have is of numbness....I just dont feel anything. No joy, no excitement........pretty flat actually. In these times, its really hard for me to write anything.

I have been bothered by my numbness, but am beginning to accept it. A good friend helped me see that maybe the numbness is God's way of protecting me from the emotional pain I have experienced. Thats a good thing I guess. But I do hope to have a sense of faith, excitement and adventure again.....someday......

Feels like home.....

Yesterday we decided to visit the Vineyard church in Yarra Valley. Its about a 40 minute/40km drive from our home, so its a pretty long drive on a sunday to get to church there. But we decided to go since its a long weekend here. Take the chance to visit since I still have Monday to finsih off the chores/rest...etc.

When we got there, I immediaetly liked the place cause they had tables and chairs out in the front and around the auditorium. The ones towards the back were for parents and kids. Nice relaxing set up. Worship started and people began finding their place. I have missed worship if I am honest. The music was not great, but the heart was. Towards the end of the worship time I saw a picture of myself in my mind. I was all bandaged up with a lot of injuries and was on crutches. Have not had this kind of experience in a long long time. Did not think too much of it. Just saw it as a reminder of my state currently.

In typical Vineyard fashion we then broke for coffee. Had a chance to chat with one of the pastors there for a bit. Was ok. One thing struck us was that we were the only asians there that day. There was one asian lady who was married to an Aussie but apart from that, no other asians. I think this is due to the fact that there is not a huge asian community in that area and also possibly the church is too "laid back" for asians. Its a pretty much "come as you are" place, as the pastor described it later. In fact, as we were entering the church that morning, there were a few rough looking guys outside having a smoke before service. .....I think Jesus would have felt at home there. This was such a difference from a church we visited the week before.....it was full of Malaysians and Singaporeans and the pastors and elders were in suits and ties. In fact even during the baptism, the assistant pastor was in his shirt and tie...in the baptism pool! They had "40 days of purpose" all over the place and one of the Malaysian chinese elders spoke that day and he went round and round on the same point......was too much like back in Malaysia!

Ok, back to the Vineyard service. When the pastor began to speak, he said that he was continuing his series on the church....and especially targetting the "spirit (i.e. attitude towards and view of) of religion".....then it begun to make sense. I think God, in his love and mercy, was reminding me of how wounded I have been by religion, or religiosity. The picture I saw during worship and the message came together. Maybe this is one of the little steps towards recovery for us.

At lunch as we were chatting about the experience, we said maybe this is a place we can come to once in a while. The church is too far to come regularly and to get too involved in....and thats a good thing. Enough space for us to come once in a while and be annonymous for a while. The fact that we could visit a couple of wineries after service was a bonus!

6 months

Today marks six months since I have been in Melbourne. In so may ways it seems as if time has just flown by. I dont feel like its been 6 months. Work wise, I feel as if I have been doing this for a long time. Have got into the work rythm ok. Family is settling in ok. Kids are doing well in school. I am thankful for all that.

But in some other ways, I feel as if we have yet to settle down. I think its only the past 2 weekends that I have felt that we are settling down as a family. We are getting into a routine of life that seems to be ok. I know the kids are really enjoying having more time with mum and dad. I need to remember that this is part of the reason for our move: to have more time nurturing our family. But I guess mum and dad are struggling a bit with our own needs. Hopefully that will come in time.

The last 6 months have also taught me more about myself. About who I am and some of my traits. I am also coming to terms with how much I have been damaged by our time in ministry. The anger, hurt and bitterness is still very much there. I wish I could let it all go.

Overall, this feels like the right place to be in now, though not all the pieces are in place. I guess its a continuous journey of learning to live one day at a time.

No longer a Christian

I went to church today because my daughter really wanted to go. I wanted to go to the a different church, but she insisted on this particular church, so I went.

As I was sitting there, listening to the songs, the announcements and sermon, I felt totally outside. I began to think of church back home and what they are doing.....and I felt so outside of things. There is just so much of christianity and the practice of church that I am uncomfortable with. In fact, I have not been comfortable for a long time. I find it irrelevant and unhelpful. But while I was still part of the church back home, I felt like I was an insider working for change. I was part of the process. Now I just feel distant and disconnected. This realization frightened me if I am honest. But I must face the facts that this is how I feel.

I also know that this is the body of Christ. That I cannot claim to be a christian and yet feel so disconnected to His body. But there is so much "stuff" (cant think of a better word) attached to being a Christian that I dont think I can honestly say that I am a Christian. So much expectation or belief systems we are supposed to hold on to. So many practices of a christian that I have trouble with, that if I am to have any integrity left in me, I dont think I can consider myself a christian anymore. Therefore, I hav decided that from today, I will stop refering to myself as a christian. All I can do is to pray, Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.........I am no longer a Christian.

How we say something is the message!

So, I heard about the speaker in CLGC a couple of sundays ago. How because of a double booking, the elders went into a semi panic and just invited this idiot to speak. He was a super pentecostal and went into hyper drive and started verbally blasting the people. Asking stupid questions like "Why are you amens so soft?". Wished I was there to answer" Because we dont agree with you you dumb f*^%wit!"

Anyway we all make mistakes and these things happen. But the biggest joke was the "damage control" stuff that followed from the leaders. First, when people walk out on a sermon like that, thats a good thing! You have mature people who know how to discern fuckwits and their stupid messages. To then call people to ask them what they think only to then tell them that they should not have walked out is dumb! Then to say things like "There were things he was saying that is in line with what God is saying" compounds the stupidity. How can that be? For example, if someone says that God loves you, but he says it in a loud and condemming tone, does it really communicate God's love? We need to relise that our live is the message. I can say something technically correct, but to say it in a spiteful or judgemental way is so totally wrong.

There. Rant over......for now.

Friendship and Fatherhood

I am blessed to be working with 2 other Christians in my office. Its actually amazing that in an office of just 12 people, there are 3 christians. I have known these 2 men for a few years already, so, when I joined the company, one of them suggested that we meet once a week to pray together. We meet every Tuesday morning at 7.30am in the office and one of us will share a short devotional and we spend some time praying together.

This past week one of them shared about being a dad and the fact that this is the most important role for us at this stage of our lives. It was amazing timing as I just stared reading a book about fatherhood on sunday. It was an affirmation of what God is saying to me for this season.

I realize that even as I go through the motions of being a dad, my heart may not be all there. I realize that God does not just want me to learn how to do all the dad things, but more importantly to have the heart of a father. Its back to the whole being before doing . Lord, help me.

2 months

I have been in Melbourne for 2 months now. Things feel a bit more complete now that my family is here with me. I am really thankful for how things seem to be coming together. Kids are settling in well and we are enjoying ourselves as a family. The house we have is a great help as the kids have space to play around and the space is conducive for our family. We have also had extended family over for dinner twice and its been really nice. Looking forward to hosting more guests.

Work has been ramping up. I am getting busier but enjoying it so far. It i a challenging time with the global ecomonic uncertainty, but apart from that I am enjoying myself. I have been asked to do a few different things but am now focused on developing a new araea of business for the Melbourne offcie and I enjoy the challenge. I must say I also enjoy drivng my car........which is good since I drive more than 1 1/2 hours a day to/fro work.

My life as a pastor seems like such a foreign thing now. When I think about it, there are aspects of what I did in pastoring that I enjoyed. But at this stage, overall I seem to be happier doing what I do now. That may change with time, who knows. I dont seem to remember being as happy when I was pastoring. When I think back to my life as a pastor, the main emotion I recall is depression and pressure. What was I thinking when I took that up?

I do miss my friends and family back home. This week I sudenly felt a bit homesick for the first time since I left. Not for anything in particular, but just a longing for the familiar. But overall I am very happy here. I do acknowledge the grace of God in this. I wonder what God has in store for us in the future here in Australia. But for now, I am just trying to live and enjoy one day at a time.

Being a Dad

My family arrived here in Melboure a week ago. It was a really happy reunion at the airport. When my kids saw me, they started running towards me and I found myself running to them. The next 2 days my son just followed me wherever I went.

I am glad I had Friday off so that I coud spend the day with them. But at the end of the day, it was also pretty good to see them off to bed. Being a parent can be very tiring.....not just physically but emotionally.

But I am reminded again of God's word to me when we stepped dopwn from leadership : That He wants to teach me how to be a dad. I do acknowledge that I have lots to learn about being a father. So many times I lack the widom and patience to father my kids in the right way. Lord help me.

May the Father show me how to be the kind of Father he wants me to be. My prayer is that in being Dad to my kids, I can lead them to The Father.

One month, one week

Its been more than a month since I left Malaysia. Gosh, time flies. I have been pre occupied with work, trying to get a house, open bank accounts, buy a car, insuarance and all sorts of stuff that you need to do when you start life all over again in a new place. It can be very taxing, not to mention expensive.

People ask me if I miss Malaysia. The honest truth is that while I do miss my family a lot (10 days till they get here), I dont particularly miss Malaysia. Mostly because I am busy with trying to settle in. I am sure in time I will miss Malaysia more. I was feeling homesick the first week I was here, but now its pretty ok. Especially since I am in my own house now. Its just more settling being in your own lace, even if its an empty house.


I started work on Sep 1 and the officein Melboure is going through a lot of change. New manager for the location, new staff like me...etc. Peope ask me what I do, and I myself am not too sure about it. My immediate manager and the MD (who offered me the job in the first place) seem to have different ideas on how best I can contribute to the company, so I am still working that out. But I do know my primary role is to do with Major Account Management.

Work has been ok and I have enjoyed working with aussies. Most of them anyway. Melbournians especially take great pride in how diverse the city is culturally and how tolerant they are. Someone asked me last week if I encountered any racism, and the answer is no. I have not had any probelms so far and I thank God for it. My customers are more ineterested in my experience and work ethic than my ethnicity.

The only drawback about work is the long drive to and from work. Melbourne is a very spread out city and you just have to get used to driving around. But I am enjoying my car!

I also managed to get a nice place to live in. The neighbourhood, while not as pretty as other suburbs around, is pretty nice and my neighbours (mostly Greek) seem friendly as well. The place is close to train stations and shops, so its a nice spot. When we first thought of moving over, both Marge and I kept thinking how nice if we can live in this neighbourhood, and here we are. Its got an asian fruit store, a Korean grocer, lots of great Greek stores and cafes, and a fresh pasta shop that is great. And good bakeries as well.

I have spent most of my weekends shopping for household things like quilts, towels, electrical goods..etc. In terms of furniture, all I have is a dining set and a mattress. I also have a fridge and washing machine. Still do not have a TV. Hopefully that will change soon :) I was glad I managed to do something different the past 2 weekends to make it feel more like a weekend. This weekend I took a 5km walk by the beach with Richard and then went for breakfast. That was nice.

In terms of church, I have visited the Oakleigh Anglican church for 2 weeks now. I went for the traditional service last week where I was probabaly the only person below 60, and this week I went to the "contemporary" service. I will probabaly visit another church next week. I would like to find a church within my neighbourhood.

Thats just some updates from me for now. Hope all of you are doing well.

Displaced part 2

So, here I am in another place. I am currently living in a friends apartment while they are away. Moved out from my cousins place last week. Its nice to get a place all to myself, but its still only a temporary place., so still feel a bit unsettled.

But God is good, and I am learning to put into practice the discipline of submitting everything to God and then just trust Him with it.

I have been looking at rental houses the past 2 weeks. Have not seen anything really nice or approrpiate until last week when I saw a place that is very nice and it comes with 4 bedrooms. In the last 2 weeks before I left Malaysia, I sensed that maybe we should have a place where we can house guests. Maybe one of the things we can do is t open our home to people who want to come over for a stay/retreat. Therefore a house with an extra room would be best. When I saw this place, I thought this could be the one. But the rental market is very competitive. Demand is great. At the house inspection, there were a lot of people who came to see the place and all of them left with an application form. On top of it all, I do not have a rental history here which makes it harder for us. A few friends told me that I may need to offer up to 6 months rent in advance to secure the place and I was thinking of doing this (with a little help from my brother).

I went to bed that night praying about this and the next morning I woke up with this thought in mu head: God is my Father who provides and if this is the place he has for me, I will get it without the need to do anything extra.
So with this, I went ahead with my application. And much to my suprise and everyone elses, I got the place! This was my only application and a lot of peple have told me that I will need to put in lots of applications in order to secure a place.

I am thankful for this blessing. I was sharing with a friend over the weekend about how I hope to get a place asap so that I can have a bit of mental and emotional space to process what this move means for me. He agreed to pray with me that I will be able to get a place soon. God has answered that prayer. Thanks be to God.

Displaced

I am writing this from melbourne australia. I have just spent ky first weekend away from home. In some ways I still cant believe we are doing this.......uprooting our family and moving over here. Starting life anew. I have been busy looking at houses for rent, for a car to buy, finding out how things work...etc. It is a very scary process. Thank God for family and friends who help. But at the end of this, I still have to go through this on my own in some ways.

Th hard part is also that my family is not with me. I also feel the pressure of having to set things up before they come. Al in all, its a whole new journey of learning to trust in God and depend on Him. Its been a whirwind few weeks and I hope that in the next day or so, I will at least have some time to rest, reflect and just listen to Him.

Jesus Brand Spirituality

I picked up this book on Tuesday. I was killing time waiting for a meeting and walked into a bookstore. I was tempted to buy another book by Brian McLaren when I saw this. I picked it up for a few reasons. One is that I like the topic. The author is a Vineyard pastor and I have read a book he co-authored called empower evangelicals years ago.

But mainly, I picked it up because the content resonates with me. That's how I chose books to read anyway. I have only read the first chapter and bits of the second, but am enjoying it so far. The first page of the first chapter pretty much describes how I currently feel about much of our Malaysian evangelical Christianity (though things are changing a little). Here is the part that resonated with me most:

"If my fascination with Jesus began now instead of years ago, I wonder what I would do with it.......I'll be repelled by the witches brew of politics, cultural conflict, moral ism and religious meanness that seem so closely connected with those who count themselves as the special friends of Jesus."

"I would be deterred by the impression that the more people organized their lives around Jesus, the more likely they are to become defensive, prickly, and dogmatic about their beliefs. I'd have to stuff my questions, curb my curiosity and be willing to get on with the programme"

The book's sub title is that "He wants his religion back...so it can be for the world again". Its basically about how to get back to the core of following Jesus, to the way of living as Jesus modelled and not get caught up in processes, programmes and jumping through hoops to participate.

In a few conversations we have had in the past week, I have realised how much we as a church have changed. How different we are. Not perfect....no where near it. But how much we have dismantled the legalistic, process oriented culture. But now must come the path of learning to live in the freedom of Christ and from the heart.

The change is there, but I must come to terms with where I am personally. That while change has taken place, I am still unsatisfied with the degree of change. I want more, deeper, more heart level change. But I trust that God will lead us through this. And come through with a renewed freedom in Christ, and a renewed heart to follow Jesus afresh.

Saying goodbye

Yesterday the church organized a farewell for our family. It was a very nice gesture from them. I am especially glad that it was our friends who were such a big part of it.

I confess that when one of the elders initially told me about it, I reacted very negatively. It was a totally irrational reaction. I just did not want to have anything to do with it. It was only on saturday night, while chatting with my wife and some friends when I realised why I was feeling so antagonistic towards the farewell. Its the fact that the church council operates on a control mode a lot. The overiding thing is to control through keeping up a good appearance of things, even when the fact is things are not nice. And I felt that this farewell occasion was another way of controlling and making things appear nice and I was not going to be a part of it.

But I relented when I found out that there was a group of people who wanted to do it because they cared and they were our friends. I just focused on this and I really enjoyed the time together. Especially the games after lunch.

The hard part was seeing my daughter break into tears when they showed a video of people wishing us goodbye. It hit me hard as well. I realise how much I am going to miss all of them. These are my friends. They have been for the past 20 years. I will miss them all dearly.

Connecting

I had a great weekend. We went on an eating trip with another couple. To be honest, before the trip we were not all that keen on the food as we have been overeating. But we were looking forward to spending time with some friends.

It was a lot of fun just to hang out, try new things together and in the midst of it to just talk about what were on our hearts. I am very thankful that at the end of the first night, we managed to talk very openly about church, and hopes and fears. I always love to hear peoples stories, and this was one of those times. The conversation continued on the next day.

I was glad to hear how someone who was burnt out from the "established church" found a place of healing and faith again in our community. How they sense that we can truly be church in an authentic, down to earth manner without legislation or rules for everything.

One of our hopes/prayers is that as we start our new life away, we can continue to connect with people, and to help them connect to God. That people will discover God's story in the mist of their own stories.

Charred heart

Some days, like today, I realise just how badly damaged I am by the events of the last few years. Maybe stepping down from leadership has allowed me to just confront my true emotions and situation.

My heart is so hardened and bitter. I just dont have any compassion or patience left. So, I face up to the truth that my heart is bitter and full of anger, lacking the resources to respond in love. I wonder if I will ever be healed. Will I ever be optimistic, trusting and filled with faith again?

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Learning to dance again

I went to bangsar lutheran church on sunday. Decided to take one sunday off and visit my favorite church. i really appreciatre the way the worship time helps us slow down and focus on God. There is enough space for us to be still, listen and respond to God. I was especially blessed by the reading of scripture.

Sivin's message was pretty relevant to me, especially when he spoke about why he is still a pastor and whats the point of being a christian. At the end he showed a video of this guys who went all over the world and just danced. It was simple, fun, child like. That really impacted me. It got me to think, will I learn to dance in child like faith and fun again? I wonder.

You can watch the vide at www.wherethehellismatt.com

The "in between" time

I am now in the in between time. Between leaving church employment and getting back to the business world. Between being in Malaysia and in Australia. Its a strange place to be. While I am excited at the prospect of the future, I am also sad about leaving friends and family here.

Its been a real emotional roller coaster. Even the leaving church part has been hard. Wghile trying to leave well, its been hard trying to also honestly deal with the hurts and dissapointment of the last few years. On top of it all, I also feel a little as if I am so irrelevant where I am now that I cant wait to leave. And at the same time, I want the time to be able to say good bye properly. Its really confusing. I am trying to just look to God through this all and to hear what He says. In the midst of my busyness with preparing to leave, I crave a little space and quiet to just listen and reflect again. Hopefully as I do this, I will be able to centre myself on Christ again and be able to leave well.

Other things to be thankful for

In May last year I took a month off from work. I did this after advise from 3 other ministers who I spoke to. They all said, independently of each other, that that I need take a break soon. They all sensed the weariness in me.

It turned out to be a real adventure with God. I found it very hard to take a break initially as taking a month off would mean skipping the church camp, which I was very happy to miss, but nervous about how others would feel about me missing camp (there were negative reactions after I found out).

Anyway, after deciding to take a month off, i had to decide what I was going to do and where I would go for in my time off. I was reluctant to go anywhere because I was worried about my kids and about how I would cope financially. A good friend helped me through the whole process to come to the conclusion that I was supposed to go to england for 3 weeks. It was a very significant time for me.

I learned to trust God with my kids. They took the news of me being away very very well. God had taken care of them. I was also paid far more than I expected for a consulting job I did and that enabled me to go to England for 3 weeks. God also provided the perfect place for me to stay, with very good friends.

God did a lot in me in the few weeks there. I learned afresh about faith and trusting God and just being a child again and having fun. Now when I look back on that and think about what next for me, i sense that maybe God is saying that I have still more to learn about trust and having fun in Him. And thats partly what my move is all about.

So, while I am anxious about what next in my life, I will remember the lessons I learned in my time off last May and look forward to my future with hope and trust.

More thankful thoughts

The thing I am most thankful for the past few years can be summed up in one word: relationships. I am thanful for new friends I have made over the last few years, as well as friendships that have been renewed, grown deeper and became more meaningful. I am just gald that thye journey I have taken on these last few years have enabled me to share in peoples lives, and for people who have shared their lives with me.

I think about the people who God has placed in my life, in fact both my wife and I, to help us along in our journey. People who have had years of experience in minsitry who have given us their time, and their attention as we stumbled along. We could not comprehend why these very gifted and busy people would bother to help us. But in this, we truly saw the kingdom. God brought these people in our lives and they played a significant part in our formattion.

I remember my 2 fellow ministers (later became 3) that would meet together once a month. We shared our stories, our thoughts and then shared food. I really look forward to those meetings. I remember the times when they gave me so much space and time to just speak honestly. And they listened and they prayed. This little group helped me survive.

I remember the many friends who just cared for us in so many ways. We would meet over meals or coffee. We would talk, rant, laugh....I am just so thankful for them. And most of them were very very supportive of our decision to step down from leadership. They could see the toll it was taking on us. Even when they maybe could not totally see our need to leave, they supported us. With these people, we felt that they cared for us more than they did for the "institution". With these people we felt safe.

I think of friends who I just met over the last year and a half but who feel as if we have been life long friends. Who even tough are far away physically, still care and pray for us. Who helped us see things in a new perspective, who availed themselves to us so many times when we needed to talk.

For this, I am truly grateful. of course in the midst of this all, there have been relationships that were not so good or turned bad. I am responsible for this as well. But I have done as best as I can to rectify the situation. For now, I will remember the good (not perfect) relationships I experienced and see these people as my community.