Displaced

I am writing this from melbourne australia. I have just spent ky first weekend away from home. In some ways I still cant believe we are doing this.......uprooting our family and moving over here. Starting life anew. I have been busy looking at houses for rent, for a car to buy, finding out how things work...etc. It is a very scary process. Thank God for family and friends who help. But at the end of this, I still have to go through this on my own in some ways.

Th hard part is also that my family is not with me. I also feel the pressure of having to set things up before they come. Al in all, its a whole new journey of learning to trust in God and depend on Him. Its been a whirwind few weeks and I hope that in the next day or so, I will at least have some time to rest, reflect and just listen to Him.

Jesus Brand Spirituality

I picked up this book on Tuesday. I was killing time waiting for a meeting and walked into a bookstore. I was tempted to buy another book by Brian McLaren when I saw this. I picked it up for a few reasons. One is that I like the topic. The author is a Vineyard pastor and I have read a book he co-authored called empower evangelicals years ago.

But mainly, I picked it up because the content resonates with me. That's how I chose books to read anyway. I have only read the first chapter and bits of the second, but am enjoying it so far. The first page of the first chapter pretty much describes how I currently feel about much of our Malaysian evangelical Christianity (though things are changing a little). Here is the part that resonated with me most:

"If my fascination with Jesus began now instead of years ago, I wonder what I would do with it.......I'll be repelled by the witches brew of politics, cultural conflict, moral ism and religious meanness that seem so closely connected with those who count themselves as the special friends of Jesus."

"I would be deterred by the impression that the more people organized their lives around Jesus, the more likely they are to become defensive, prickly, and dogmatic about their beliefs. I'd have to stuff my questions, curb my curiosity and be willing to get on with the programme"

The book's sub title is that "He wants his religion back...so it can be for the world again". Its basically about how to get back to the core of following Jesus, to the way of living as Jesus modelled and not get caught up in processes, programmes and jumping through hoops to participate.

In a few conversations we have had in the past week, I have realised how much we as a church have changed. How different we are. Not perfect....no where near it. But how much we have dismantled the legalistic, process oriented culture. But now must come the path of learning to live in the freedom of Christ and from the heart.

The change is there, but I must come to terms with where I am personally. That while change has taken place, I am still unsatisfied with the degree of change. I want more, deeper, more heart level change. But I trust that God will lead us through this. And come through with a renewed freedom in Christ, and a renewed heart to follow Jesus afresh.

Saying goodbye

Yesterday the church organized a farewell for our family. It was a very nice gesture from them. I am especially glad that it was our friends who were such a big part of it.

I confess that when one of the elders initially told me about it, I reacted very negatively. It was a totally irrational reaction. I just did not want to have anything to do with it. It was only on saturday night, while chatting with my wife and some friends when I realised why I was feeling so antagonistic towards the farewell. Its the fact that the church council operates on a control mode a lot. The overiding thing is to control through keeping up a good appearance of things, even when the fact is things are not nice. And I felt that this farewell occasion was another way of controlling and making things appear nice and I was not going to be a part of it.

But I relented when I found out that there was a group of people who wanted to do it because they cared and they were our friends. I just focused on this and I really enjoyed the time together. Especially the games after lunch.

The hard part was seeing my daughter break into tears when they showed a video of people wishing us goodbye. It hit me hard as well. I realise how much I am going to miss all of them. These are my friends. They have been for the past 20 years. I will miss them all dearly.

Connecting

I had a great weekend. We went on an eating trip with another couple. To be honest, before the trip we were not all that keen on the food as we have been overeating. But we were looking forward to spending time with some friends.

It was a lot of fun just to hang out, try new things together and in the midst of it to just talk about what were on our hearts. I am very thankful that at the end of the first night, we managed to talk very openly about church, and hopes and fears. I always love to hear peoples stories, and this was one of those times. The conversation continued on the next day.

I was glad to hear how someone who was burnt out from the "established church" found a place of healing and faith again in our community. How they sense that we can truly be church in an authentic, down to earth manner without legislation or rules for everything.

One of our hopes/prayers is that as we start our new life away, we can continue to connect with people, and to help them connect to God. That people will discover God's story in the mist of their own stories.

Charred heart

Some days, like today, I realise just how badly damaged I am by the events of the last few years. Maybe stepping down from leadership has allowed me to just confront my true emotions and situation.

My heart is so hardened and bitter. I just dont have any compassion or patience left. So, I face up to the truth that my heart is bitter and full of anger, lacking the resources to respond in love. I wonder if I will ever be healed. Will I ever be optimistic, trusting and filled with faith again?

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Learning to dance again

I went to bangsar lutheran church on sunday. Decided to take one sunday off and visit my favorite church. i really appreciatre the way the worship time helps us slow down and focus on God. There is enough space for us to be still, listen and respond to God. I was especially blessed by the reading of scripture.

Sivin's message was pretty relevant to me, especially when he spoke about why he is still a pastor and whats the point of being a christian. At the end he showed a video of this guys who went all over the world and just danced. It was simple, fun, child like. That really impacted me. It got me to think, will I learn to dance in child like faith and fun again? I wonder.

You can watch the vide at www.wherethehellismatt.com

The "in between" time

I am now in the in between time. Between leaving church employment and getting back to the business world. Between being in Malaysia and in Australia. Its a strange place to be. While I am excited at the prospect of the future, I am also sad about leaving friends and family here.

Its been a real emotional roller coaster. Even the leaving church part has been hard. Wghile trying to leave well, its been hard trying to also honestly deal with the hurts and dissapointment of the last few years. On top of it all, I also feel a little as if I am so irrelevant where I am now that I cant wait to leave. And at the same time, I want the time to be able to say good bye properly. Its really confusing. I am trying to just look to God through this all and to hear what He says. In the midst of my busyness with preparing to leave, I crave a little space and quiet to just listen and reflect again. Hopefully as I do this, I will be able to centre myself on Christ again and be able to leave well.