I went to church today because my daughter really wanted to go. I wanted to go to the a different church, but she insisted on this particular church, so I went.
As I was sitting there, listening to the songs, the announcements and sermon, I felt totally outside. I began to think of church back home and what they are doing.....and I felt so outside of things. There is just so much of christianity and the practice of church that I am uncomfortable with. In fact, I have not been comfortable for a long time. I find it irrelevant and unhelpful. But while I was still part of the church back home, I felt like I was an insider working for change. I was part of the process. Now I just feel distant and disconnected. This realization frightened me if I am honest. But I must face the facts that this is how I feel.
I also know that this is the body of Christ. That I cannot claim to be a christian and yet feel so disconnected to His body. But there is so much "stuff" (cant think of a better word) attached to being a Christian that I dont think I can honestly say that I am a Christian. So much expectation or belief systems we are supposed to hold on to. So many practices of a christian that I have trouble with, that if I am to have any integrity left in me, I dont think I can consider myself a christian anymore. Therefore, I hav decided that from today, I will stop refering to myself as a christian. All I can do is to pray, Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.........I am no longer a Christian.
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2 comments:
Do u know that there's also 1900+ years of baggage that we now have to throw away to find what's really important and what it means to b called a Christian? Definitely not an easy task; certainly not a short & quick journey. Know that there r many who r going the same path as u & would somehow connect with u. Have a beer & cheer up lah!
Hang in there bro. As one who is still keeping an eye in between the "institution" of church structures and and the "institution" of the individual, it was refreshing to read Nabi Newbigin :-) lately.
The honesty, and humility was so inspiring. And more so the focus on Christ, and healthy skepticism without the cynicism.
And you are right, a lot of the "stuff" needs shedding, or redeeming, or some major overhaul!
It's a long journey indeed.
Miss our times together.
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