Some days, like today, I realise just how badly damaged I am by the events of the last few years. Maybe stepping down from leadership has allowed me to just confront my true emotions and situation.
My heart is so hardened and bitter. I just dont have any compassion or patience left. So, I face up to the truth that my heart is bitter and full of anger, lacking the resources to respond in love. I wonder if I will ever be healed. Will I ever be optimistic, trusting and filled with faith again?
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Learning to dance again
I went to bangsar lutheran church on sunday. Decided to take one sunday off and visit my favorite church. i really appreciatre the way the worship time helps us slow down and focus on God. There is enough space for us to be still, listen and respond to God. I was especially blessed by the reading of scripture.
Sivin's message was pretty relevant to me, especially when he spoke about why he is still a pastor and whats the point of being a christian. At the end he showed a video of this guys who went all over the world and just danced. It was simple, fun, child like. That really impacted me. It got me to think, will I learn to dance in child like faith and fun again? I wonder.
You can watch the vide at www.wherethehellismatt.com
Sivin's message was pretty relevant to me, especially when he spoke about why he is still a pastor and whats the point of being a christian. At the end he showed a video of this guys who went all over the world and just danced. It was simple, fun, child like. That really impacted me. It got me to think, will I learn to dance in child like faith and fun again? I wonder.
You can watch the vide at www.wherethehellismatt.com
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The "in between" time
I am now in the in between time. Between leaving church employment and getting back to the business world. Between being in Malaysia and in Australia. Its a strange place to be. While I am excited at the prospect of the future, I am also sad about leaving friends and family here.
Its been a real emotional roller coaster. Even the leaving church part has been hard. Wghile trying to leave well, its been hard trying to also honestly deal with the hurts and dissapointment of the last few years. On top of it all, I also feel a little as if I am so irrelevant where I am now that I cant wait to leave. And at the same time, I want the time to be able to say good bye properly. Its really confusing. I am trying to just look to God through this all and to hear what He says. In the midst of my busyness with preparing to leave, I crave a little space and quiet to just listen and reflect again. Hopefully as I do this, I will be able to centre myself on Christ again and be able to leave well.
Its been a real emotional roller coaster. Even the leaving church part has been hard. Wghile trying to leave well, its been hard trying to also honestly deal with the hurts and dissapointment of the last few years. On top of it all, I also feel a little as if I am so irrelevant where I am now that I cant wait to leave. And at the same time, I want the time to be able to say good bye properly. Its really confusing. I am trying to just look to God through this all and to hear what He says. In the midst of my busyness with preparing to leave, I crave a little space and quiet to just listen and reflect again. Hopefully as I do this, I will be able to centre myself on Christ again and be able to leave well.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Other things to be thankful for
In May last year I took a month off from work. I did this after advise from 3 other ministers who I spoke to. They all said, independently of each other, that that I need take a break soon. They all sensed the weariness in me.
It turned out to be a real adventure with God. I found it very hard to take a break initially as taking a month off would mean skipping the church camp, which I was very happy to miss, but nervous about how others would feel about me missing camp (there were negative reactions after I found out).
Anyway, after deciding to take a month off, i had to decide what I was going to do and where I would go for in my time off. I was reluctant to go anywhere because I was worried about my kids and about how I would cope financially. A good friend helped me through the whole process to come to the conclusion that I was supposed to go to england for 3 weeks. It was a very significant time for me.
I learned to trust God with my kids. They took the news of me being away very very well. God had taken care of them. I was also paid far more than I expected for a consulting job I did and that enabled me to go to England for 3 weeks. God also provided the perfect place for me to stay, with very good friends.
God did a lot in me in the few weeks there. I learned afresh about faith and trusting God and just being a child again and having fun. Now when I look back on that and think about what next for me, i sense that maybe God is saying that I have still more to learn about trust and having fun in Him. And thats partly what my move is all about.
So, while I am anxious about what next in my life, I will remember the lessons I learned in my time off last May and look forward to my future with hope and trust.
It turned out to be a real adventure with God. I found it very hard to take a break initially as taking a month off would mean skipping the church camp, which I was very happy to miss, but nervous about how others would feel about me missing camp (there were negative reactions after I found out).
Anyway, after deciding to take a month off, i had to decide what I was going to do and where I would go for in my time off. I was reluctant to go anywhere because I was worried about my kids and about how I would cope financially. A good friend helped me through the whole process to come to the conclusion that I was supposed to go to england for 3 weeks. It was a very significant time for me.
I learned to trust God with my kids. They took the news of me being away very very well. God had taken care of them. I was also paid far more than I expected for a consulting job I did and that enabled me to go to England for 3 weeks. God also provided the perfect place for me to stay, with very good friends.
God did a lot in me in the few weeks there. I learned afresh about faith and trusting God and just being a child again and having fun. Now when I look back on that and think about what next for me, i sense that maybe God is saying that I have still more to learn about trust and having fun in Him. And thats partly what my move is all about.
So, while I am anxious about what next in my life, I will remember the lessons I learned in my time off last May and look forward to my future with hope and trust.
Friday, July 11, 2008
More thankful thoughts
The thing I am most thankful for the past few years can be summed up in one word: relationships. I am thanful for new friends I have made over the last few years, as well as friendships that have been renewed, grown deeper and became more meaningful. I am just gald that thye journey I have taken on these last few years have enabled me to share in peoples lives, and for people who have shared their lives with me.
I think about the people who God has placed in my life, in fact both my wife and I, to help us along in our journey. People who have had years of experience in minsitry who have given us their time, and their attention as we stumbled along. We could not comprehend why these very gifted and busy people would bother to help us. But in this, we truly saw the kingdom. God brought these people in our lives and they played a significant part in our formattion.
I remember my 2 fellow ministers (later became 3) that would meet together once a month. We shared our stories, our thoughts and then shared food. I really look forward to those meetings. I remember the times when they gave me so much space and time to just speak honestly. And they listened and they prayed. This little group helped me survive.
I remember the many friends who just cared for us in so many ways. We would meet over meals or coffee. We would talk, rant, laugh....I am just so thankful for them. And most of them were very very supportive of our decision to step down from leadership. They could see the toll it was taking on us. Even when they maybe could not totally see our need to leave, they supported us. With these people, we felt that they cared for us more than they did for the "institution". With these people we felt safe.
I think of friends who I just met over the last year and a half but who feel as if we have been life long friends. Who even tough are far away physically, still care and pray for us. Who helped us see things in a new perspective, who availed themselves to us so many times when we needed to talk.
For this, I am truly grateful. of course in the midst of this all, there have been relationships that were not so good or turned bad. I am responsible for this as well. But I have done as best as I can to rectify the situation. For now, I will remember the good (not perfect) relationships I experienced and see these people as my community.
I think about the people who God has placed in my life, in fact both my wife and I, to help us along in our journey. People who have had years of experience in minsitry who have given us their time, and their attention as we stumbled along. We could not comprehend why these very gifted and busy people would bother to help us. But in this, we truly saw the kingdom. God brought these people in our lives and they played a significant part in our formattion.
I remember my 2 fellow ministers (later became 3) that would meet together once a month. We shared our stories, our thoughts and then shared food. I really look forward to those meetings. I remember the times when they gave me so much space and time to just speak honestly. And they listened and they prayed. This little group helped me survive.
I remember the many friends who just cared for us in so many ways. We would meet over meals or coffee. We would talk, rant, laugh....I am just so thankful for them. And most of them were very very supportive of our decision to step down from leadership. They could see the toll it was taking on us. Even when they maybe could not totally see our need to leave, they supported us. With these people, we felt that they cared for us more than they did for the "institution". With these people we felt safe.
I think of friends who I just met over the last year and a half but who feel as if we have been life long friends. Who even tough are far away physically, still care and pray for us. Who helped us see things in a new perspective, who availed themselves to us so many times when we needed to talk.
For this, I am truly grateful. of course in the midst of this all, there have been relationships that were not so good or turned bad. I am responsible for this as well. But I have done as best as I can to rectify the situation. For now, I will remember the good (not perfect) relationships I experienced and see these people as my community.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Thankful thoughts
Looking back, the first thing that comes to mind of things I am thankful for is the opportunity I had to study theology. Not just the study, but very importantly where I chose to study.
As I was thinking of where to start my theological studies, I met with a fellow pastor. It was our first proper one on one meeting, and he has turned out to be a real source of friendship and support for me over the last few years. It was he, in our first meeting, who suggested that I look into this particular school. Actually, it was more like he highly recommended the place. :)
So I looked into the program they had for part time students, and decided to enrol. I vividly remember when I told the church elders of my decison to study in this mainline seminary, one of the elders looked at me and said "But they are not Charismatic you know. They are not open to the things of the Spirit". And I replied that that was the very reason I chose that school. Not that they were not open ( I discovered that they are pretty open to diverse traditions), but that I was looking to expand my knowledge of the various christian traditions.
And then when I met with the Program director for the school, she looked at me suspiciously and asked "Why did you chose this school and not the other charismatic schools? Most of you independent churches always go there?" I just smiled and said that I wanted a different experience.
Anyway, the classes I had there were all very good. Not just what they taught, but the oportunity to interact with others form all kinds of churches. To learn from them. I had the opportunity to read a lot, expand my horizons in terms of what I have always experienced.
The other thing I enjoyed about the classes was that I got so spend 3 nights staying at the seminary. Thise were great times to be quiet at night, read a lot, reflect....etc. I look back on my journal and see many things that I wrote while in seminary. Quite a few of my preaching ideas came from those times. They were precious times indeed.
I guess the last class I took there was probably my favorite, simply because it was a topic that was very relevant to me at that time, as well as a topic I am very interested in: Pastoral spirituality. I learned a lot from taking that class. The excercises we did, the lecture, the discussions and especially the reading assignments.
So, I am really thankful for the opportunity to do theological studies. I learned a lot, and so much of my change in thinking and perspective came out of that experience.
Thank you Lord.
As I was thinking of where to start my theological studies, I met with a fellow pastor. It was our first proper one on one meeting, and he has turned out to be a real source of friendship and support for me over the last few years. It was he, in our first meeting, who suggested that I look into this particular school. Actually, it was more like he highly recommended the place. :)
So I looked into the program they had for part time students, and decided to enrol. I vividly remember when I told the church elders of my decison to study in this mainline seminary, one of the elders looked at me and said "But they are not Charismatic you know. They are not open to the things of the Spirit". And I replied that that was the very reason I chose that school. Not that they were not open ( I discovered that they are pretty open to diverse traditions), but that I was looking to expand my knowledge of the various christian traditions.
And then when I met with the Program director for the school, she looked at me suspiciously and asked "Why did you chose this school and not the other charismatic schools? Most of you independent churches always go there?" I just smiled and said that I wanted a different experience.
Anyway, the classes I had there were all very good. Not just what they taught, but the oportunity to interact with others form all kinds of churches. To learn from them. I had the opportunity to read a lot, expand my horizons in terms of what I have always experienced.
The other thing I enjoyed about the classes was that I got so spend 3 nights staying at the seminary. Thise were great times to be quiet at night, read a lot, reflect....etc. I look back on my journal and see many things that I wrote while in seminary. Quite a few of my preaching ideas came from those times. They were precious times indeed.
I guess the last class I took there was probably my favorite, simply because it was a topic that was very relevant to me at that time, as well as a topic I am very interested in: Pastoral spirituality. I learned a lot from taking that class. The excercises we did, the lecture, the discussions and especially the reading assignments.
So, I am really thankful for the opportunity to do theological studies. I learned a lot, and so much of my change in thinking and perspective came out of that experience.
Thank you Lord.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Things I am thankful for....
Part of the process of tryimng to get some closure to this phase of my life is looking at things I am thankful for. While I would say that I will probably not do something like this over again, I am thankful for the experience of the last few years. I have learned a lot, changed a lot.
I was reading a Brennan Manning book recently and he made this statement: To live is to change, and to live well is to change a lot.
I am thankful for the change I have been through. Thankful to God that His grace has been at work in my life as I walk through change. Thankful for the people who have walked with me and helped me make sense of what I was going through.
So over the coming week, I will try and blog about things I am thankful for. I hope I can as I am getting busier with preperations to leave.
I was reading a Brennan Manning book recently and he made this statement: To live is to change, and to live well is to change a lot.
I am thankful for the change I have been through. Thankful to God that His grace has been at work in my life as I walk through change. Thankful for the people who have walked with me and helped me make sense of what I was going through.
So over the coming week, I will try and blog about things I am thankful for. I hope I can as I am getting busier with preperations to leave.
What I would do differently part 4
Just a few random things I think I would do:
1. Laugh more...especially at myself
2. Take my days off regularly
3. Take more time in solitude
4. Have more outings with the staff
5. Give a bit more time and effort to my studies
6. Practice and teach more on spiritual direction/friendship
7. Do away with membership lists in the church
8. Make more changes to do away with formality of sunday gatherings
9. Visit more cell groups
10. Have more dinner parties
1. Laugh more...especially at myself
2. Take my days off regularly
3. Take more time in solitude
4. Have more outings with the staff
5. Give a bit more time and effort to my studies
6. Practice and teach more on spiritual direction/friendship
7. Do away with membership lists in the church
8. Make more changes to do away with formality of sunday gatherings
9. Visit more cell groups
10. Have more dinner parties
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