Leave for a Season....

Last Christmas one of our friends gave us a calendar with a verse/quote everyday. We placed it in the kitchen and look at it everyday. When we came back from camp, where we announced our decision to step down, the quote for that day was this:

"Leave for a season the difficulty of your days, and dwell on the lovingkindness of God, that you may recover by gazing at Him"

This was such a confirmation from God that this is wht the next season of our lives are about.

As I work through my "detoxing" process, I am very aware of the danger of wallowing in bitterness. I want to be able to honestly acknowledge the feelings that are there, but at the same time be able to move on from there to a place of healing. My wife and I were talking about how we can do this, and that brought me back to this quote. The way we can get to a place ofrecovery is by dwelling on His lovingkindnes and gazing on Him.

I was speaking with my spiritual director/friend this past week about how I am feeling with regards to church and he said something similar: you jusy have to keep deciding to look upon His face in the midst of this all.

May God help us do this.

I don't want to be a leader!

This is something I wrote a few months back. Or maybe it was about a year back. I wrote this just as a way of venting my frustrations as a result of some criticisms I was getting. It was better i write this rather than screaming my head off to the people involved ala Gorden Ramsey style. because I do recognise that they just do not know better and are just reacting from what they have been taught or conditioned to expect of leaders. So enjoy reading, and know that it was just venting...

"I don’t want to be a leader. Or to be more specifically ,I don’t want to be a leader in the church. To be a leader in the working world at least pays well (most of the time anyway). To be a leader in politics comes with some sort of position of influence and the possibility of making money on the side. But a leader in the church? What does that get you? Well lets see if I can come up with a list….unrealistic expectations, low salary, a lot of responsibility but with a very limited authority, work all the time (after all, we are serving God and should never get tired serving God)….the list goes on.

On that unreasonable expectations bit, I can elaborate. You must have all the answers to life’s questions as life can be reduced to neat little packages. You must be entertaining, have vision, and motivate people. You must dress appropriately…..dress your best for the Lord! Have you not heard that God expects our best and judges us based on our appearances. If you are a pastor, a suit is called for. Never mind that your salary would make it hard to afford one. If not, then at least proper slacks, long sleeve shirt and a tie. Jeans are the work of the devil. Shorts?......Even the mention of it will make you lose your salvation. Your kids must be perfect. They cannot express doubt, fear or just be plain annoying kids. That’s for the normal church members kids to be. But the leaders kids…..oh no no. And of course your kids must be first to sign up for any proper children’s conference. (What the %$#*& are we doing sending our kids to conferences anyway? They are kids for goodness sake!)

And of course, the leaders must remember everyone’s names, greet them all, or at least greet them back when they greet you. (Exceptions for those who are Apostles, Prophets and Intercessors as they are Generals in God’s army and can treat everyone like shit). And smile a lot. Never ever scowl or look discouraged. I mean God forbid if you have a bad day or feel so depressed that even the feeblest attempt at a smile is very hard. Everyone else can have a bad day, but the leader…..no F*%$##@^ way. As a leader you must have faith………and never ever take a break. Even if it means you lose your sanity and life. No. When the “family” needs you, you need to be there. No matter how crappy you feel. You must be there for momentous occasions like camps and so on. Even if you end up faking your enthusiasm for being there, then feel like a terrible hypocrite, get tired and depressed and probably take it out on your kids. The church family comes first. F#*k all else.

So why be a leader in the church? I am wondering that myself. I mean life’s a bitch already. Why put up with the bitches in the church? (To prove I am not sexist, there are bastards as well). I just don’t know. "

Well, the picture is not very clear, but this is a bottle of german red wine that was given to me when a friend came back from Austria. I opened it on sunday night when my mum, brother and his girlfriend came over for dinner.

The lable is entirely in German so I had no idea what I was drinking other than it was german and its red.

Well, it turned out to be a very nice easy drinking wine. Perfect for the evening. Ahhhhh.....

What would I do differently part 3

Looking back and seieng what I would do differently, a couple more things come to mind.

I would defenitely take more time to build open relationships with people. This is hard and time consuming but I think there is nothing better than this in terms of things to build people up ( i hate the phrase "build the church up" even though its is biblical. Thats because each time people use that phrase there seems to be someone who will suffer as a result. more on this later)

I did make effort to connect with some and one of the things I learned is to listen to the Holy Spirit as He put put people into my heart and mind. When I feel a tug to just call someone and obey, a lot of times it led to a really significant time when we connected, but more importantly, we connected with God. I look back on these conversations as "God" moments. I guess you can call it impromptu spiritual direction.

I have tried to teach this to others and I do pray and hope it catches on. Spiritual direction is a spiritual discipline I would love to see return more fully to the church in Malaysia. Not in the very evangelical sense of "read you bible and pray" type, but the art of conversation with another that helps us discern what God is doing in our lives and how best to respond to God. I believe that spiritual direction is an important part of discipleship and spiritual formation.

I was speaking with my mrs the other day and we think that though we may not be involved in direct church leadership anymore, we most likely will be involved with the process of helping people grow in God in terms of spiritual formation. But we are not going to go out and start announcing ourselves as people "called" to this "ministry". If it happens, it will happen as we relate to people and share our lives.

painful sunday

Gosh. It was painful being in church this sunday. I guess it helped a little that I was playing bass and the plans for lunch with friends after service helped. But it was agony being there and seeing and sensing the rigidity and formality....not in terms of ourward appearance but in terms of approach.

Sometimes it feels as if the"mask" is coming back on in the church. We are supposed to be detaching, but as long as we are around, its really hard to do that. To be really honest, i struggled to see the relevance of the message as well. It was especially painful to see the faces of the people looking totally disengaged and disinterested.

Is it just me or did any of you feel the same way?

But at lunch after service, we had a great time chatting, laughing and it was great seeing the kids playing with their friends. And we did not just speak about superficial things. We shared on some issues close to our hearts as well. Could it be that we need to be away from the "church" in order to experience community life? Honestly, lunch felt more like the kingdom than "church" did.

Two Hands Angels share!

Ok. To change the feel a bit, I will now rave about my hobby and one of the best wines this past year. I first tasted the 2006 Angles Share Shiraz during a wine tasting night in Denise wine outlet. Out of the 3 red wines they opened that night, this was the standout.

Lovely fruit on the front, tannins are silky smooth and finishes long. I bought 2 bottles of it that night. And I opened one when a good friend came to stay for a few days. The two of us finsihed that bottle that night itself. The longer the night went on, the better the wine tasted. Its the kind of wine you can drink on its own without any food. the only drawback is that its a little on the sweet side.

I have one more bottle which I will drink before I leave for Melbourne. Saving it for the right occasion.

Shattered Dreams

I was walking through a bookshop on tuesday when the title of this book caught my eye: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crab. I have seen this book many times before, but this time I picked it up because I felt as if the title describes a little about what I feel about my time leading the church.

The fact is, I am deeply sad about having to give this up. I am stepping down not so much because I want to, but more because I have to. I just could not go on. While I am relieved to not have the pressure and responsibility, the fact is a part of me is dying as well. It is a deep passion within me to be able to pastor. I love helping people grow, i love teaching things that I have learned from God, i love to see God's kingdom values becoming a part of our lives. My desire is to see a community of people live out the kingdom life together. But now all these seem to have come to an end. The dream dies....

I just do not have the internal capacity and energy to lead the church. The more I lead, the more I see myself becoming someone I am not. The other factor is just a recognition that the church I see emerging, and that I want to see emerging, is contradictory to what others see. The others on the leadership team live and operate from a very different value system and paradigm. I used to be like that as well, but I have shifted a lot in the past few years. I have shifted in theology, in values , in worlview. I thought that I could lead them thorugh it, but I failed. I think it was a matter of time before I left, or they left. But the fact is the majority of them are pretty happy operating as they are, so it makes sense that I am the one to back down.

I dont absolve myself of any blame. The fact is, I failed to lead the leadership team. They could not see the need for change and the new values that were being birthed and maybe thats because I did not help them enough. This and other things just drained a lot of enery from me.

Looking back I do see it as the religious spirit operating and in stepping down it seems as if there is a breakthrough for the church. I am happy about that. But here I am, left with my shattered dreams.

What would i do differently part 2

I think something else that I would do differently is that I would be more open about my own struggles and thoughts. As I look back, I see that I have tried to be open but have seen times when this has not helped those i share with, so as a result I held back.

But I think there is a way of being open that can be helpful to people. I see vulnerability as a key value to live out....though at times it comes at a great price. Its never easy being vulnerable. Its against everything I know and my instinctive reaction to self preservation. But I am beginning to realise that true transparency will also help people see Christ in me. Its when we are open; about our own struggles, people will also see the times when God comes through and does that work in us. Even though we may feel we are still struggling.

One of the things that is beginning to take place since my resignation, and I guess my sharing of what has been going on in me, is that people have began to relate in a more open way with me and my wife. Its a strange thing, but it feels as if real conversations are taking place. Maybe as I have become more open, they too feel a bit more open with me?

This is the kingdom way of relating that I am seeking after.

What would I do differently?

There was a question posted to some prominet american pastors recently on what would they do differently if they were to start allover again in ministry. That got me thinking about myself. I guess thats a very relevant question at this point of my life.

As I bring a close to being in full time christian ministry and leadership, what would I do differently? I think a lot of things. But I guess my first would be that I would live and speak according to my convictions. Its not that I never did, but there were times when I did not say or do anything for fear of "rocking the boat" or that people would not be ready to hear a certain thing. Looking back, I think that has caused confusion to people. I was motivated by a pastoral concern to help people understand and have them move along as we went through a change process. But most probably I did not move forward fast and clearly enough. Partly I was also motivated by fear.........what if they cant take the change too suddenly and leave? So in order that people wont leave the church I agreed to things that I was not convicted about.

If I did this again (which I wont by the way), I will try to live by my convictions......and not live by fear. People leaving will be part of it, but at least there will be certainty in who I am, and what the church really believes in. These people left anyway, so that never really made a difference. So the lesson learned is never to try and be somebody you are not. We will never please everybody and we are not supposed to anyway.

I guess there are other things I would do differently as well....but that's for another day/post. Till then.........

Ok. I have finally succumed to the blogging phenomena....I am officially a blogger. I guess in the blogging sense I am a laggard.

Some friends of mine have been asking me to blog for some time. But I never got around to it. Constant excuse was that I dont have the time and energy to do it. I also did not feel a need to blog at that time. So why start now?

I guess it has to do with the change in my life at the moment. With all that has happened and is happening, I see blogging as a way for me to process my thoughts. ANother thing is that I have always used my talks (preaching if you want to use a more technical term) as a way of expressing my convictions...etc. Now that I will no longer be doing that, I guess blogging can be one way of me sharing my thoughts, lessons...etc. May also be agood way to keep in touch with friends once I have left the country.

So, if you find yourself reading, please do give comments/feedback. But also, please keep in mind, some of the things you read here as just my raves and rants...as a way of detoxing myself from life situations.

Enjoy!