Friendship and Fatherhood

I am blessed to be working with 2 other Christians in my office. Its actually amazing that in an office of just 12 people, there are 3 christians. I have known these 2 men for a few years already, so, when I joined the company, one of them suggested that we meet once a week to pray together. We meet every Tuesday morning at 7.30am in the office and one of us will share a short devotional and we spend some time praying together.

This past week one of them shared about being a dad and the fact that this is the most important role for us at this stage of our lives. It was amazing timing as I just stared reading a book about fatherhood on sunday. It was an affirmation of what God is saying to me for this season.

I realize that even as I go through the motions of being a dad, my heart may not be all there. I realize that God does not just want me to learn how to do all the dad things, but more importantly to have the heart of a father. Its back to the whole being before doing . Lord, help me.

2 months

I have been in Melbourne for 2 months now. Things feel a bit more complete now that my family is here with me. I am really thankful for how things seem to be coming together. Kids are settling in well and we are enjoying ourselves as a family. The house we have is a great help as the kids have space to play around and the space is conducive for our family. We have also had extended family over for dinner twice and its been really nice. Looking forward to hosting more guests.

Work has been ramping up. I am getting busier but enjoying it so far. It i a challenging time with the global ecomonic uncertainty, but apart from that I am enjoying myself. I have been asked to do a few different things but am now focused on developing a new araea of business for the Melbourne offcie and I enjoy the challenge. I must say I also enjoy drivng my car........which is good since I drive more than 1 1/2 hours a day to/fro work.

My life as a pastor seems like such a foreign thing now. When I think about it, there are aspects of what I did in pastoring that I enjoyed. But at this stage, overall I seem to be happier doing what I do now. That may change with time, who knows. I dont seem to remember being as happy when I was pastoring. When I think back to my life as a pastor, the main emotion I recall is depression and pressure. What was I thinking when I took that up?

I do miss my friends and family back home. This week I sudenly felt a bit homesick for the first time since I left. Not for anything in particular, but just a longing for the familiar. But overall I am very happy here. I do acknowledge the grace of God in this. I wonder what God has in store for us in the future here in Australia. But for now, I am just trying to live and enjoy one day at a time.

Being a Dad

My family arrived here in Melboure a week ago. It was a really happy reunion at the airport. When my kids saw me, they started running towards me and I found myself running to them. The next 2 days my son just followed me wherever I went.

I am glad I had Friday off so that I coud spend the day with them. But at the end of the day, it was also pretty good to see them off to bed. Being a parent can be very tiring.....not just physically but emotionally.

But I am reminded again of God's word to me when we stepped dopwn from leadership : That He wants to teach me how to be a dad. I do acknowledge that I have lots to learn about being a father. So many times I lack the widom and patience to father my kids in the right way. Lord help me.

May the Father show me how to be the kind of Father he wants me to be. My prayer is that in being Dad to my kids, I can lead them to The Father.

One month, one week

Its been more than a month since I left Malaysia. Gosh, time flies. I have been pre occupied with work, trying to get a house, open bank accounts, buy a car, insuarance and all sorts of stuff that you need to do when you start life all over again in a new place. It can be very taxing, not to mention expensive.

People ask me if I miss Malaysia. The honest truth is that while I do miss my family a lot (10 days till they get here), I dont particularly miss Malaysia. Mostly because I am busy with trying to settle in. I am sure in time I will miss Malaysia more. I was feeling homesick the first week I was here, but now its pretty ok. Especially since I am in my own house now. Its just more settling being in your own lace, even if its an empty house.


I started work on Sep 1 and the officein Melboure is going through a lot of change. New manager for the location, new staff like me...etc. Peope ask me what I do, and I myself am not too sure about it. My immediate manager and the MD (who offered me the job in the first place) seem to have different ideas on how best I can contribute to the company, so I am still working that out. But I do know my primary role is to do with Major Account Management.

Work has been ok and I have enjoyed working with aussies. Most of them anyway. Melbournians especially take great pride in how diverse the city is culturally and how tolerant they are. Someone asked me last week if I encountered any racism, and the answer is no. I have not had any probelms so far and I thank God for it. My customers are more ineterested in my experience and work ethic than my ethnicity.

The only drawback about work is the long drive to and from work. Melbourne is a very spread out city and you just have to get used to driving around. But I am enjoying my car!

I also managed to get a nice place to live in. The neighbourhood, while not as pretty as other suburbs around, is pretty nice and my neighbours (mostly Greek) seem friendly as well. The place is close to train stations and shops, so its a nice spot. When we first thought of moving over, both Marge and I kept thinking how nice if we can live in this neighbourhood, and here we are. Its got an asian fruit store, a Korean grocer, lots of great Greek stores and cafes, and a fresh pasta shop that is great. And good bakeries as well.

I have spent most of my weekends shopping for household things like quilts, towels, electrical goods..etc. In terms of furniture, all I have is a dining set and a mattress. I also have a fridge and washing machine. Still do not have a TV. Hopefully that will change soon :) I was glad I managed to do something different the past 2 weekends to make it feel more like a weekend. This weekend I took a 5km walk by the beach with Richard and then went for breakfast. That was nice.

In terms of church, I have visited the Oakleigh Anglican church for 2 weeks now. I went for the traditional service last week where I was probabaly the only person below 60, and this week I went to the "contemporary" service. I will probabaly visit another church next week. I would like to find a church within my neighbourhood.

Thats just some updates from me for now. Hope all of you are doing well.

Displaced part 2

So, here I am in another place. I am currently living in a friends apartment while they are away. Moved out from my cousins place last week. Its nice to get a place all to myself, but its still only a temporary place., so still feel a bit unsettled.

But God is good, and I am learning to put into practice the discipline of submitting everything to God and then just trust Him with it.

I have been looking at rental houses the past 2 weeks. Have not seen anything really nice or approrpiate until last week when I saw a place that is very nice and it comes with 4 bedrooms. In the last 2 weeks before I left Malaysia, I sensed that maybe we should have a place where we can house guests. Maybe one of the things we can do is t open our home to people who want to come over for a stay/retreat. Therefore a house with an extra room would be best. When I saw this place, I thought this could be the one. But the rental market is very competitive. Demand is great. At the house inspection, there were a lot of people who came to see the place and all of them left with an application form. On top of it all, I do not have a rental history here which makes it harder for us. A few friends told me that I may need to offer up to 6 months rent in advance to secure the place and I was thinking of doing this (with a little help from my brother).

I went to bed that night praying about this and the next morning I woke up with this thought in mu head: God is my Father who provides and if this is the place he has for me, I will get it without the need to do anything extra.
So with this, I went ahead with my application. And much to my suprise and everyone elses, I got the place! This was my only application and a lot of peple have told me that I will need to put in lots of applications in order to secure a place.

I am thankful for this blessing. I was sharing with a friend over the weekend about how I hope to get a place asap so that I can have a bit of mental and emotional space to process what this move means for me. He agreed to pray with me that I will be able to get a place soon. God has answered that prayer. Thanks be to God.

Displaced

I am writing this from melbourne australia. I have just spent ky first weekend away from home. In some ways I still cant believe we are doing this.......uprooting our family and moving over here. Starting life anew. I have been busy looking at houses for rent, for a car to buy, finding out how things work...etc. It is a very scary process. Thank God for family and friends who help. But at the end of this, I still have to go through this on my own in some ways.

Th hard part is also that my family is not with me. I also feel the pressure of having to set things up before they come. Al in all, its a whole new journey of learning to trust in God and depend on Him. Its been a whirwind few weeks and I hope that in the next day or so, I will at least have some time to rest, reflect and just listen to Him.

Jesus Brand Spirituality

I picked up this book on Tuesday. I was killing time waiting for a meeting and walked into a bookstore. I was tempted to buy another book by Brian McLaren when I saw this. I picked it up for a few reasons. One is that I like the topic. The author is a Vineyard pastor and I have read a book he co-authored called empower evangelicals years ago.

But mainly, I picked it up because the content resonates with me. That's how I chose books to read anyway. I have only read the first chapter and bits of the second, but am enjoying it so far. The first page of the first chapter pretty much describes how I currently feel about much of our Malaysian evangelical Christianity (though things are changing a little). Here is the part that resonated with me most:

"If my fascination with Jesus began now instead of years ago, I wonder what I would do with it.......I'll be repelled by the witches brew of politics, cultural conflict, moral ism and religious meanness that seem so closely connected with those who count themselves as the special friends of Jesus."

"I would be deterred by the impression that the more people organized their lives around Jesus, the more likely they are to become defensive, prickly, and dogmatic about their beliefs. I'd have to stuff my questions, curb my curiosity and be willing to get on with the programme"

The book's sub title is that "He wants his religion back...so it can be for the world again". Its basically about how to get back to the core of following Jesus, to the way of living as Jesus modelled and not get caught up in processes, programmes and jumping through hoops to participate.

In a few conversations we have had in the past week, I have realised how much we as a church have changed. How different we are. Not perfect....no where near it. But how much we have dismantled the legalistic, process oriented culture. But now must come the path of learning to live in the freedom of Christ and from the heart.

The change is there, but I must come to terms with where I am personally. That while change has taken place, I am still unsatisfied with the degree of change. I want more, deeper, more heart level change. But I trust that God will lead us through this. And come through with a renewed freedom in Christ, and a renewed heart to follow Jesus afresh.

Saying goodbye

Yesterday the church organized a farewell for our family. It was a very nice gesture from them. I am especially glad that it was our friends who were such a big part of it.

I confess that when one of the elders initially told me about it, I reacted very negatively. It was a totally irrational reaction. I just did not want to have anything to do with it. It was only on saturday night, while chatting with my wife and some friends when I realised why I was feeling so antagonistic towards the farewell. Its the fact that the church council operates on a control mode a lot. The overiding thing is to control through keeping up a good appearance of things, even when the fact is things are not nice. And I felt that this farewell occasion was another way of controlling and making things appear nice and I was not going to be a part of it.

But I relented when I found out that there was a group of people who wanted to do it because they cared and they were our friends. I just focused on this and I really enjoyed the time together. Especially the games after lunch.

The hard part was seeing my daughter break into tears when they showed a video of people wishing us goodbye. It hit me hard as well. I realise how much I am going to miss all of them. These are my friends. They have been for the past 20 years. I will miss them all dearly.

Connecting

I had a great weekend. We went on an eating trip with another couple. To be honest, before the trip we were not all that keen on the food as we have been overeating. But we were looking forward to spending time with some friends.

It was a lot of fun just to hang out, try new things together and in the midst of it to just talk about what were on our hearts. I am very thankful that at the end of the first night, we managed to talk very openly about church, and hopes and fears. I always love to hear peoples stories, and this was one of those times. The conversation continued on the next day.

I was glad to hear how someone who was burnt out from the "established church" found a place of healing and faith again in our community. How they sense that we can truly be church in an authentic, down to earth manner without legislation or rules for everything.

One of our hopes/prayers is that as we start our new life away, we can continue to connect with people, and to help them connect to God. That people will discover God's story in the mist of their own stories.

Charred heart

Some days, like today, I realise just how badly damaged I am by the events of the last few years. Maybe stepping down from leadership has allowed me to just confront my true emotions and situation.

My heart is so hardened and bitter. I just dont have any compassion or patience left. So, I face up to the truth that my heart is bitter and full of anger, lacking the resources to respond in love. I wonder if I will ever be healed. Will I ever be optimistic, trusting and filled with faith again?

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Learning to dance again

I went to bangsar lutheran church on sunday. Decided to take one sunday off and visit my favorite church. i really appreciatre the way the worship time helps us slow down and focus on God. There is enough space for us to be still, listen and respond to God. I was especially blessed by the reading of scripture.

Sivin's message was pretty relevant to me, especially when he spoke about why he is still a pastor and whats the point of being a christian. At the end he showed a video of this guys who went all over the world and just danced. It was simple, fun, child like. That really impacted me. It got me to think, will I learn to dance in child like faith and fun again? I wonder.

You can watch the vide at www.wherethehellismatt.com

The "in between" time

I am now in the in between time. Between leaving church employment and getting back to the business world. Between being in Malaysia and in Australia. Its a strange place to be. While I am excited at the prospect of the future, I am also sad about leaving friends and family here.

Its been a real emotional roller coaster. Even the leaving church part has been hard. Wghile trying to leave well, its been hard trying to also honestly deal with the hurts and dissapointment of the last few years. On top of it all, I also feel a little as if I am so irrelevant where I am now that I cant wait to leave. And at the same time, I want the time to be able to say good bye properly. Its really confusing. I am trying to just look to God through this all and to hear what He says. In the midst of my busyness with preparing to leave, I crave a little space and quiet to just listen and reflect again. Hopefully as I do this, I will be able to centre myself on Christ again and be able to leave well.

Other things to be thankful for

In May last year I took a month off from work. I did this after advise from 3 other ministers who I spoke to. They all said, independently of each other, that that I need take a break soon. They all sensed the weariness in me.

It turned out to be a real adventure with God. I found it very hard to take a break initially as taking a month off would mean skipping the church camp, which I was very happy to miss, but nervous about how others would feel about me missing camp (there were negative reactions after I found out).

Anyway, after deciding to take a month off, i had to decide what I was going to do and where I would go for in my time off. I was reluctant to go anywhere because I was worried about my kids and about how I would cope financially. A good friend helped me through the whole process to come to the conclusion that I was supposed to go to england for 3 weeks. It was a very significant time for me.

I learned to trust God with my kids. They took the news of me being away very very well. God had taken care of them. I was also paid far more than I expected for a consulting job I did and that enabled me to go to England for 3 weeks. God also provided the perfect place for me to stay, with very good friends.

God did a lot in me in the few weeks there. I learned afresh about faith and trusting God and just being a child again and having fun. Now when I look back on that and think about what next for me, i sense that maybe God is saying that I have still more to learn about trust and having fun in Him. And thats partly what my move is all about.

So, while I am anxious about what next in my life, I will remember the lessons I learned in my time off last May and look forward to my future with hope and trust.

More thankful thoughts

The thing I am most thankful for the past few years can be summed up in one word: relationships. I am thanful for new friends I have made over the last few years, as well as friendships that have been renewed, grown deeper and became more meaningful. I am just gald that thye journey I have taken on these last few years have enabled me to share in peoples lives, and for people who have shared their lives with me.

I think about the people who God has placed in my life, in fact both my wife and I, to help us along in our journey. People who have had years of experience in minsitry who have given us their time, and their attention as we stumbled along. We could not comprehend why these very gifted and busy people would bother to help us. But in this, we truly saw the kingdom. God brought these people in our lives and they played a significant part in our formattion.

I remember my 2 fellow ministers (later became 3) that would meet together once a month. We shared our stories, our thoughts and then shared food. I really look forward to those meetings. I remember the times when they gave me so much space and time to just speak honestly. And they listened and they prayed. This little group helped me survive.

I remember the many friends who just cared for us in so many ways. We would meet over meals or coffee. We would talk, rant, laugh....I am just so thankful for them. And most of them were very very supportive of our decision to step down from leadership. They could see the toll it was taking on us. Even when they maybe could not totally see our need to leave, they supported us. With these people, we felt that they cared for us more than they did for the "institution". With these people we felt safe.

I think of friends who I just met over the last year and a half but who feel as if we have been life long friends. Who even tough are far away physically, still care and pray for us. Who helped us see things in a new perspective, who availed themselves to us so many times when we needed to talk.

For this, I am truly grateful. of course in the midst of this all, there have been relationships that were not so good or turned bad. I am responsible for this as well. But I have done as best as I can to rectify the situation. For now, I will remember the good (not perfect) relationships I experienced and see these people as my community.

Thankful thoughts

Looking back, the first thing that comes to mind of things I am thankful for is the opportunity I had to study theology. Not just the study, but very importantly where I chose to study.

As I was thinking of where to start my theological studies, I met with a fellow pastor. It was our first proper one on one meeting, and he has turned out to be a real source of friendship and support for me over the last few years. It was he, in our first meeting, who suggested that I look into this particular school. Actually, it was more like he highly recommended the place. :)

So I looked into the program they had for part time students, and decided to enrol. I vividly remember when I told the church elders of my decison to study in this mainline seminary, one of the elders looked at me and said "But they are not Charismatic you know. They are not open to the things of the Spirit". And I replied that that was the very reason I chose that school. Not that they were not open ( I discovered that they are pretty open to diverse traditions), but that I was looking to expand my knowledge of the various christian traditions.

And then when I met with the Program director for the school, she looked at me suspiciously and asked "Why did you chose this school and not the other charismatic schools? Most of you independent churches always go there?" I just smiled and said that I wanted a different experience.

Anyway, the classes I had there were all very good. Not just what they taught, but the oportunity to interact with others form all kinds of churches. To learn from them. I had the opportunity to read a lot, expand my horizons in terms of what I have always experienced.

The other thing I enjoyed about the classes was that I got so spend 3 nights staying at the seminary. Thise were great times to be quiet at night, read a lot, reflect....etc. I look back on my journal and see many things that I wrote while in seminary. Quite a few of my preaching ideas came from those times. They were precious times indeed.

I guess the last class I took there was probably my favorite, simply because it was a topic that was very relevant to me at that time, as well as a topic I am very interested in: Pastoral spirituality. I learned a lot from taking that class. The excercises we did, the lecture, the discussions and especially the reading assignments.

So, I am really thankful for the opportunity to do theological studies. I learned a lot, and so much of my change in thinking and perspective came out of that experience.

Thank you Lord.

Things I am thankful for....

Part of the process of tryimng to get some closure to this phase of my life is looking at things I am thankful for. While I would say that I will probably not do something like this over again, I am thankful for the experience of the last few years. I have learned a lot, changed a lot.

I was reading a Brennan Manning book recently and he made this statement: To live is to change, and to live well is to change a lot.

I am thankful for the change I have been through. Thankful to God that His grace has been at work in my life as I walk through change. Thankful for the people who have walked with me and helped me make sense of what I was going through.

So over the coming week, I will try and blog about things I am thankful for. I hope I can as I am getting busier with preperations to leave.

What I would do differently part 4

Just a few random things I think I would do:

1. Laugh more...especially at myself

2. Take my days off regularly

3. Take more time in solitude

4. Have more outings with the staff

5. Give a bit more time and effort to my studies

6. Practice and teach more on spiritual direction/friendship

7. Do away with membership lists in the church

8. Make more changes to do away with formality of sunday gatherings

9. Visit more cell groups

10. Have more dinner parties

Leave for a Season....

Last Christmas one of our friends gave us a calendar with a verse/quote everyday. We placed it in the kitchen and look at it everyday. When we came back from camp, where we announced our decision to step down, the quote for that day was this:

"Leave for a season the difficulty of your days, and dwell on the lovingkindness of God, that you may recover by gazing at Him"

This was such a confirmation from God that this is wht the next season of our lives are about.

As I work through my "detoxing" process, I am very aware of the danger of wallowing in bitterness. I want to be able to honestly acknowledge the feelings that are there, but at the same time be able to move on from there to a place of healing. My wife and I were talking about how we can do this, and that brought me back to this quote. The way we can get to a place ofrecovery is by dwelling on His lovingkindnes and gazing on Him.

I was speaking with my spiritual director/friend this past week about how I am feeling with regards to church and he said something similar: you jusy have to keep deciding to look upon His face in the midst of this all.

May God help us do this.

I don't want to be a leader!

This is something I wrote a few months back. Or maybe it was about a year back. I wrote this just as a way of venting my frustrations as a result of some criticisms I was getting. It was better i write this rather than screaming my head off to the people involved ala Gorden Ramsey style. because I do recognise that they just do not know better and are just reacting from what they have been taught or conditioned to expect of leaders. So enjoy reading, and know that it was just venting...

"I don’t want to be a leader. Or to be more specifically ,I don’t want to be a leader in the church. To be a leader in the working world at least pays well (most of the time anyway). To be a leader in politics comes with some sort of position of influence and the possibility of making money on the side. But a leader in the church? What does that get you? Well lets see if I can come up with a list….unrealistic expectations, low salary, a lot of responsibility but with a very limited authority, work all the time (after all, we are serving God and should never get tired serving God)….the list goes on.

On that unreasonable expectations bit, I can elaborate. You must have all the answers to life’s questions as life can be reduced to neat little packages. You must be entertaining, have vision, and motivate people. You must dress appropriately…..dress your best for the Lord! Have you not heard that God expects our best and judges us based on our appearances. If you are a pastor, a suit is called for. Never mind that your salary would make it hard to afford one. If not, then at least proper slacks, long sleeve shirt and a tie. Jeans are the work of the devil. Shorts?......Even the mention of it will make you lose your salvation. Your kids must be perfect. They cannot express doubt, fear or just be plain annoying kids. That’s for the normal church members kids to be. But the leaders kids…..oh no no. And of course your kids must be first to sign up for any proper children’s conference. (What the %$#*& are we doing sending our kids to conferences anyway? They are kids for goodness sake!)

And of course, the leaders must remember everyone’s names, greet them all, or at least greet them back when they greet you. (Exceptions for those who are Apostles, Prophets and Intercessors as they are Generals in God’s army and can treat everyone like shit). And smile a lot. Never ever scowl or look discouraged. I mean God forbid if you have a bad day or feel so depressed that even the feeblest attempt at a smile is very hard. Everyone else can have a bad day, but the leader…..no F*%$##@^ way. As a leader you must have faith………and never ever take a break. Even if it means you lose your sanity and life. No. When the “family” needs you, you need to be there. No matter how crappy you feel. You must be there for momentous occasions like camps and so on. Even if you end up faking your enthusiasm for being there, then feel like a terrible hypocrite, get tired and depressed and probably take it out on your kids. The church family comes first. F#*k all else.

So why be a leader in the church? I am wondering that myself. I mean life’s a bitch already. Why put up with the bitches in the church? (To prove I am not sexist, there are bastards as well). I just don’t know. "

Well, the picture is not very clear, but this is a bottle of german red wine that was given to me when a friend came back from Austria. I opened it on sunday night when my mum, brother and his girlfriend came over for dinner.

The lable is entirely in German so I had no idea what I was drinking other than it was german and its red.

Well, it turned out to be a very nice easy drinking wine. Perfect for the evening. Ahhhhh.....

What would I do differently part 3

Looking back and seieng what I would do differently, a couple more things come to mind.

I would defenitely take more time to build open relationships with people. This is hard and time consuming but I think there is nothing better than this in terms of things to build people up ( i hate the phrase "build the church up" even though its is biblical. Thats because each time people use that phrase there seems to be someone who will suffer as a result. more on this later)

I did make effort to connect with some and one of the things I learned is to listen to the Holy Spirit as He put put people into my heart and mind. When I feel a tug to just call someone and obey, a lot of times it led to a really significant time when we connected, but more importantly, we connected with God. I look back on these conversations as "God" moments. I guess you can call it impromptu spiritual direction.

I have tried to teach this to others and I do pray and hope it catches on. Spiritual direction is a spiritual discipline I would love to see return more fully to the church in Malaysia. Not in the very evangelical sense of "read you bible and pray" type, but the art of conversation with another that helps us discern what God is doing in our lives and how best to respond to God. I believe that spiritual direction is an important part of discipleship and spiritual formation.

I was speaking with my mrs the other day and we think that though we may not be involved in direct church leadership anymore, we most likely will be involved with the process of helping people grow in God in terms of spiritual formation. But we are not going to go out and start announcing ourselves as people "called" to this "ministry". If it happens, it will happen as we relate to people and share our lives.

painful sunday

Gosh. It was painful being in church this sunday. I guess it helped a little that I was playing bass and the plans for lunch with friends after service helped. But it was agony being there and seeing and sensing the rigidity and formality....not in terms of ourward appearance but in terms of approach.

Sometimes it feels as if the"mask" is coming back on in the church. We are supposed to be detaching, but as long as we are around, its really hard to do that. To be really honest, i struggled to see the relevance of the message as well. It was especially painful to see the faces of the people looking totally disengaged and disinterested.

Is it just me or did any of you feel the same way?

But at lunch after service, we had a great time chatting, laughing and it was great seeing the kids playing with their friends. And we did not just speak about superficial things. We shared on some issues close to our hearts as well. Could it be that we need to be away from the "church" in order to experience community life? Honestly, lunch felt more like the kingdom than "church" did.

Two Hands Angels share!

Ok. To change the feel a bit, I will now rave about my hobby and one of the best wines this past year. I first tasted the 2006 Angles Share Shiraz during a wine tasting night in Denise wine outlet. Out of the 3 red wines they opened that night, this was the standout.

Lovely fruit on the front, tannins are silky smooth and finishes long. I bought 2 bottles of it that night. And I opened one when a good friend came to stay for a few days. The two of us finsihed that bottle that night itself. The longer the night went on, the better the wine tasted. Its the kind of wine you can drink on its own without any food. the only drawback is that its a little on the sweet side.

I have one more bottle which I will drink before I leave for Melbourne. Saving it for the right occasion.

Shattered Dreams

I was walking through a bookshop on tuesday when the title of this book caught my eye: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crab. I have seen this book many times before, but this time I picked it up because I felt as if the title describes a little about what I feel about my time leading the church.

The fact is, I am deeply sad about having to give this up. I am stepping down not so much because I want to, but more because I have to. I just could not go on. While I am relieved to not have the pressure and responsibility, the fact is a part of me is dying as well. It is a deep passion within me to be able to pastor. I love helping people grow, i love teaching things that I have learned from God, i love to see God's kingdom values becoming a part of our lives. My desire is to see a community of people live out the kingdom life together. But now all these seem to have come to an end. The dream dies....

I just do not have the internal capacity and energy to lead the church. The more I lead, the more I see myself becoming someone I am not. The other factor is just a recognition that the church I see emerging, and that I want to see emerging, is contradictory to what others see. The others on the leadership team live and operate from a very different value system and paradigm. I used to be like that as well, but I have shifted a lot in the past few years. I have shifted in theology, in values , in worlview. I thought that I could lead them thorugh it, but I failed. I think it was a matter of time before I left, or they left. But the fact is the majority of them are pretty happy operating as they are, so it makes sense that I am the one to back down.

I dont absolve myself of any blame. The fact is, I failed to lead the leadership team. They could not see the need for change and the new values that were being birthed and maybe thats because I did not help them enough. This and other things just drained a lot of enery from me.

Looking back I do see it as the religious spirit operating and in stepping down it seems as if there is a breakthrough for the church. I am happy about that. But here I am, left with my shattered dreams.

What would i do differently part 2

I think something else that I would do differently is that I would be more open about my own struggles and thoughts. As I look back, I see that I have tried to be open but have seen times when this has not helped those i share with, so as a result I held back.

But I think there is a way of being open that can be helpful to people. I see vulnerability as a key value to live out....though at times it comes at a great price. Its never easy being vulnerable. Its against everything I know and my instinctive reaction to self preservation. But I am beginning to realise that true transparency will also help people see Christ in me. Its when we are open; about our own struggles, people will also see the times when God comes through and does that work in us. Even though we may feel we are still struggling.

One of the things that is beginning to take place since my resignation, and I guess my sharing of what has been going on in me, is that people have began to relate in a more open way with me and my wife. Its a strange thing, but it feels as if real conversations are taking place. Maybe as I have become more open, they too feel a bit more open with me?

This is the kingdom way of relating that I am seeking after.

What would I do differently?

There was a question posted to some prominet american pastors recently on what would they do differently if they were to start allover again in ministry. That got me thinking about myself. I guess thats a very relevant question at this point of my life.

As I bring a close to being in full time christian ministry and leadership, what would I do differently? I think a lot of things. But I guess my first would be that I would live and speak according to my convictions. Its not that I never did, but there were times when I did not say or do anything for fear of "rocking the boat" or that people would not be ready to hear a certain thing. Looking back, I think that has caused confusion to people. I was motivated by a pastoral concern to help people understand and have them move along as we went through a change process. But most probably I did not move forward fast and clearly enough. Partly I was also motivated by fear.........what if they cant take the change too suddenly and leave? So in order that people wont leave the church I agreed to things that I was not convicted about.

If I did this again (which I wont by the way), I will try to live by my convictions......and not live by fear. People leaving will be part of it, but at least there will be certainty in who I am, and what the church really believes in. These people left anyway, so that never really made a difference. So the lesson learned is never to try and be somebody you are not. We will never please everybody and we are not supposed to anyway.

I guess there are other things I would do differently as well....but that's for another day/post. Till then.........

Ok. I have finally succumed to the blogging phenomena....I am officially a blogger. I guess in the blogging sense I am a laggard.

Some friends of mine have been asking me to blog for some time. But I never got around to it. Constant excuse was that I dont have the time and energy to do it. I also did not feel a need to blog at that time. So why start now?

I guess it has to do with the change in my life at the moment. With all that has happened and is happening, I see blogging as a way for me to process my thoughts. ANother thing is that I have always used my talks (preaching if you want to use a more technical term) as a way of expressing my convictions...etc. Now that I will no longer be doing that, I guess blogging can be one way of me sharing my thoughts, lessons...etc. May also be agood way to keep in touch with friends once I have left the country.

So, if you find yourself reading, please do give comments/feedback. But also, please keep in mind, some of the things you read here as just my raves and rants...as a way of detoxing myself from life situations.

Enjoy!